Matters of the Heart

***Apologies to Tracy Chapman***

I had to go back and edit the last post that I wrote. It seemed to have a lot of typos and half-finished thoughts. Blame it on the long hours. I had traded my Tuesday night off with a Thursday off. I went to work Tuesday night, starting an hour earlier than usual. I switched scheds so I could attend this company-sponsored lecture on hypertension scheduled at 5 am the next day.

I did attend, and I learned a lot. Although our office population was in the 25-35 age bracket, a sizeable number of that population were actually pre-hypertensive or already hypertensive. I was an identified employee. I was overweight and had previously complained of dizziness and high blood pressure while on duty. Blame in on the sedentary lifestyle. I work eight-hour shifts sitting down. I only get up when I need to go to the men's room or the cafeteria. The last two sentences just said it all. So I decided to go. The lecture wasn't as boring as I had anticipated. There was a short spiel delivered by the company doc. It was the basic "our stats vis-a-vis the national average" presentation. That got my attention. After that, we watched a video from the Philippine Heart Association. Watching that made me glad I quit smoking. Well, almost. I need to renew my commitment not to smoke -- forever!

Anyway, after the lecture I blogged. After having used the better part of of my workday exercising my brain, my typing and concentration went out the window. It's a good thing I have my prefs set to email me any updates I make on the blog. That way I could read an entry the next day when I open my email.

Oh, and if you're wondering about the title, you should visit my wishlist to find out why I used it. You might want to make this heart of mine glad to have known you ;-)

Tag, you're it!

I've been putting off getting a new tagboard for a few weeks now. No, actually its been months since that darned thing conked out on me. Blame it on wishful thinking. I was wishing the darned thing would fix itself. It was like wishing the 50-peso hula from Madam Juli of Quiapo would come true. All wishes, nothign more. I finaly decided to Google (as always) for a new shoutbox and finally test-drive one.

Being both code-incompetent and lazy, I chose a hosted shoutbox. HTML, Java, PERL -- you name it, I can't understand it. But I do know copying and pasting, owing from years of using a word processor. I added the supplied code to my Blogger template a couple of days ago. I've already received a couple of tags from people using the same shoutbox. As always, I leave a complimentary tag on the blogger who tagged me. A lot of good people out there, I tell 'ya. Makes me feel I do some good writing entries. At least you read it :-))

If you want to meet a couple, check out Jey's and Willa's blogs . Both are pink, surprisingly. Jey's blog is much like mine -- a mixture of real-life events and food. She's new to Blogger, I can tell. Her archives are grouped by weeks. Ah, I remember fondly those times when I too had my archives grouped by weeks. At first I blogged once a week, then every couple of days. Then it became daily, then four times a day. After that, my desire to blog has waned and ebbed like the rising and the falling of the tides. On days, I would write several entries. At times, I wouldn't be in a writing mood and leave my blog "entry-less" for a few days or even weeks.

Reminds me! In two months, I'll be celebrating this blog's 2nd anniversary! Whoooo-hoooo! Going back to Jey, I really like her blog. While typing this entry, I was suddenly overcome with a sense of dejavu while typing her name. Weird, huh? At least, she was good enough to link to me. Thanks Jey!

If you decide to visit Willa's blog , watch out for the letters and numbers that constantly follow your mouse pointer - LOL. Anyway, she's a bloggin' mommy from Miami as far as I can tell. I hope she likes my entries. I'm wary of mommies simply because some of my entries are not kind at all. I'm mean, I know. You regular readers would know that by now. Hmmmm....This introspection has got me going "ohm". I must tell myself, "strive to be a less grumpier daysleeper."

In the end, I'm glad to finally have a tagboard working again. I get the chance to meet the people who read my blog, even if randomly so. What good is blogging if you don't get in touch with people, eh?

Brothers

Since last night, I started receiving text greetings. It's our fraternity's anniversary today. As always, the anniv is the one holiday everyone should remember. I got a whack for that date. How can I forget? LOL.

Aside from the whack of the venerable paddle, a lot of memorable events marred (for lack of a subtler word-LOL) my frat life. I learned to lead people (somewhat). I learned to take pride in who and what I was. I struggled with speaking in public and excelled in leading study groups on nationalism. I developed my writing through the support of a sis, who happened to be the editor in chief of the school paper (I love ya Tic-Tac!). I did a lot of stupid and fun stuff too. But that's all for my brods to know.

Memories aside, frat life made college life fun and purpose-filled. I still swell with pride everytime I shake the hand of a brod or sis. Being a frat man taught me the value of tradition and the immeasurable value of loyalty (above all virtues). I will always be a frat man because being one gave me the chance to receive something valuable - lasting friendships that spanned generations of brods. Young or old, we all share a bond unlike any other. We're bound as brothers, not by blood, but by principle.

Smart Wap Mail - Guilt Trippin'

If guilt were wine, you could say I've been drunk for the most part of the past week. You could even say wasted,I dare say. I have too much to say and no one to say it to. I feel there's no one who could appreciate how I truly feel. Depression sets in like a comfort blanket. For two days now, I've had nothing to blame for it, yet it persists. Damn, I feel helpless. Should I just wait for the ultimate end? Or should I hasten its arrival?

Tired Eyes

If there was a cliche that I find more ironic than any other it would be the adage, "Once a _____, always a _____ (supply with your choice of adjective)." My choice of adjective would be addict. For a few months there I thought I had my own addiction under control. But lately, I've been experiencing a relapse. For the last 30 days, I smoked a cig on three occasions. I feel the compulsion growing.

After smoking a cig earlier, I went to the men's room to rid myself of the stench, akin to a common criminal trying to get rid of any evidence of a crime committed. Even after I washed my face twice with soap and water, the stench persisted. It was nauseating. While patting my face dry with paper towels, a tired face stared back at me from the mirror. Sullen eyes did nothing to hide what I was feeling. I was tired of this. Tired of the same addiction coming back to haunt me again and again.

It could be worse, though. The last time I visited to Tarlac, I was warned by frat brod that I shouldn't meet with this other friend of ours. It seems that he's being watched by local law enforcement. He's apparently into his old destructive habits again. He got hooked on shabu a few years back. We were relieved when he got married two years ago. His drug problem seemed to have disappeared when his son was born. But lately, he's been scorned by his own family. I was told they drew the line when he chased after his youngest sibling with gun in hand. An argument about drugs had turned bad, they told me.

While I was looking at my reflection in the mirror, I became more depressed. Was I doomed to the same fate? Will I ever be rid of this curse? I felt sorry for him. I truly did. As sorry as I felt for myself.

My Bad...

I forgot that some of my previous posts were put on draft!!!

You may now read the stale tales that I forgot to publish. Darn!

At last!

I was a bit disappointed that for the fifth straight year i didn't win anything in the anniversary raffle. I was praying hard for that computer! Although I didn't get the computer, redemption was at hand. They didn't tell anyone that there would be an extra raffle for people who observed their break schedules perfectly on the day ofthe anniversary. I won a Christian Bautista CD. So did my wife. Two of the most unluckiest raffle draw participants in this part of the world finally got drawn. Since we won the same CD, my wife swapped hers with an officemate's Nina CD. I heard from the grapevine that they were supposed to be surprise guests but for some unknown reason they had to cancel their public appearance. Three hundred CD's were raffled off. Me and the wife each got a CD. That must mean something, eh? I've got to start prayin earlier for next year's computer! LOL :-))

Going Ga-ga Over Chinggay...

Last night, the company I work for organized a celebration of its sixth anniversary. Everybody had thir mind on the celebrity hosts though. Chinggay Andrada and Rico (forgot his last name, sorry), Monster Radio 93.1 DJ's, hosted the event. It was the first time a thrid-party organizer id the party for the company, so they must've felt the need to enjoin the help of celebs to create a lasting impression (read: contract for next year's celebration). Well, it worked. A lot of people attended this year's anniversary. An unusually high participation rate was observed.

Our department in particular prepared a presentation. As with tradition, all teams were required to enter participants into a competition. Stage presentations have been a yearly event ever since anyone can remember - LOL. I was worried for a while though. Since we're the smallest department, most of our people were involved in the actual performance (on-stage and backstage). I was worried nobody would be there to clap for us, audience impact making up a large chunk of the criteria. Owing to the fact that the other departments managed only mediocre performances, we were able to bag the first prize. The more strangely-dressed of our folks were even got the chance to chitchat with Chinggay after the performance. We had our boys dress up with a variety of military and police uniforms, construction crew get-ups and Native American headdresses. I was glad to note that though there was a lot of cross-dressing in the presentations, we proved it was a concept that's been used and reused way too much. "Gasgas na yan!", to take the words from one of our enterprising supervisors.

Anyway, I was mildly disappointed when I saw Chinggay in person. She wasn't as stunningly beautiful in person as she was in the revered pages of FHM. She was buff alright. She was gorgeus too in that tan number that she wore for the night. I even got the chance to walk behind her (no, i am not a stalker you dummy) as she exited one of the conference rooms they used for a dressing room. Being too shy to say hi (as i always am), I adjusted my gait so I wouldn't have to go past her if she noticed me walking behind her. That was awkward alright.

After the party ended, an immediate onslaught of online invites to online pic galleries ensued. You have got to marvel at the immediacy at which digital technology can deliver. There were even shots taken by a few dubious photographers who attempted to get upskirt pics. Tsk*Tsk. That was bad. The good thing was they failed to take any good pics.

Smart Wap Mail - House Arrest

I finally got it. I wished for a sick day and got it. It was supposed to be a joke but as they say,"be careful what you wish for..."

I went to work as usual Saturday night despite a slight fever.Sunday morning,i started running a 39-degree fever. I started getting chills,so my wife was convinced it wasn't a flu coming on.So this morning we went to a doctor and he told me i had strep.So i can now reasonably rest till Wednesday night without engaging the wrath of my supervisors.

I can't properly rest though.Most of the time idle thoughts take over and muddle any opportunity of meaningful slumber.So i am left here to suffer writing a blog entry 3-paragraphs long using 2 thumbs to type using a frickin mobile phone and hopefully tire my eyes to rid myself of this nauseating insomnia!Whew.Got to go now.My thumbs are a bit sore now.

Smart Wap Mail - Too quiet an afternoon.

After four or so days of rain,the sun finally shone yesterday.It became hotter this morning after a second day of sunshine.This afternoon would have been fine with me had there been no brownout.

I've been trying to sleep this past couple of hours,but no luck.The heat is keeping of awake. With no fan to cool things down,it's even more difficult.Everything's eerily quiet too.It makes me uneasy. It's irritating to hear the neighbor's kid whine about the heat.I'd much rather hear the drone of their tv, or the whine of my electric fan.Comforting thing,appliances.They are the curse that modern-day living bestowed upon simple men.They have made life more complicated that necessary.But I've come to love.Maybe not.Addicted may be a better word. Darn.Another dilemma to occupy my mind.At this rate I'll be trying to sleep till tonight.

The List Gets Longer ...Again

There's another tee I like from Distrowatch.Com . Oh, and for those of you that like to follow news about Linux distros or your naturally inquisitive and you want to make sense of all the rant raves, Distrowatch is a good place to start.

The List Gets Longer...

I posted a few days ago that I was raring to get a Google and Blogger teeshirt. It was inevitable that the list would grow. Now I want a Mozilla and Firefox shirt too. Well, more the Mozilla than the Firefox shirt. I'm renewing my love affair with dot-com shirts. I have a few in my closet. I haven't been wearing all of them, but when inspiration strikes, I would wear all of them for one straight week.

For any willing souls out there, click on the links. Think of me when you begin to like what you see. My shirt size is XL (even if I've lost couple of pounds of late). LOL.

Strange places

I feel like I'm in China. My surroundings resemble that of China's infamous boilerplate internet cafe's. All is well. Lot's of gamers but none of that loud racket you would associate with gaming. I just couldn't resist the big neon sign that read internet so I came in only to discover a long dark hallway filled with 50 or so computer terminals from end-to-end. Wow. Tarlac is improving. And the place is filled! A seat or two to spare but that is it.

Gone are the days when looking for a suitable cafe was like looking for a needle in the veritable haystack. This one is chic, with computers cases in red and black and semi-dark interiors. The din of cheap split-model airconditioning added an industrial feel to it all. I was hoping for an LCD terminal (those were coupled with the Mini PC's) but as luck would have it they were located by the front door for a reason. They were there to attract the occasional pedestrian like me. They weren't intended for the use of a mere mortal such as myself. Instead, I am nestled in between monstrous frag boxes fit for any serious gamer. Harump! I don't need all that power to blog away. Leave the fragfest to the youngin's.

Well, I better get going. This is going to cost me. As being my usual demeanor, I sat first before asking how much the rate was. Hehehe. Typical of an addict. Or so my dear wife would quip.

Smart Wap Mail - Roadie Dreams

I used to love travelling. My mom always told of i had the feet of a traveller,enough to rival those of Marco Polo. I was always on the move. I'm still in-love with the road,but I've chosen to rest my weary feet to take care of a more pressing need--that of my son for a father.

Today is one of the rare occasions that I take to the road. I'o off to visit my best friend's hubbie who happens to be here on a 2-week vacation. I have a pasalubong to send,in keeping with tradition. After that, I'm off to meet another old friend, a fraternity Brod of mine who mentored me in the ways of brotherhood. All this melancholy,all from a simple road-trip. It's enough to make some people sick. LOL.

I love Tarlac. I miss how laidback it is. This trip will be good for me. Now to catch a few zzz's before i arrive.

Bloggers get invited to the party

Bloggers are getting noticed. The internet trend-watchers have been heralding bloggers as grassroots media, journalists who provide their own man-in-the-street accounts of events and issues. The Democratic Party's now trying to woo them, a testament to the growing influence of blogging. If you don't have a blog yet, get one going. You won't be able to understand just how powerful a tool it is in building virtual online communities unless you do. It used to be internet bullettin boards. Then message boards. Now it's the blogs that are the hub of opinion publishing and discussion.

Google gets it...again.

Google Mail just got another rave review. It truly is a nice service. You should go out and get one after it launches. Incidentally, I recently learned that not all Blogger users were offered a Gmail account. They only offered it to one out of every twenty users (1:20). I count myself as one unusually lucky blogger. Heck, you can't have bad luck in everything. You win some, you lose some. This time though, I got a winner in Gmail.

Smart Wap Mail - It's a Google life!

I am a Google fanatic. I've used it for all my searches in the last few months. Heck, I even Google search from my mobile phone. I've cancelled email accounts I've had for years after trying Gmail. I've been a Blogger member for about 2 years now. After Google acquired Blogger, I should have known that Google would take over my online life eventually. There are still a few things I need to do to make my life truly Google-centric. I want to put Google search onto my blog. I need to figure out Google's Web API first. I don't even know what an API is. LOL. And then I need to buy a Google and/or Blogger shirt. I wish I had accepted offers from friends who wanted to buy me a Blogger shirt a year ago. Why? It now costs $25 plus import taxes to ship a friggin' $9 Blogger shirt to the Phillipines. If anyone out there is willing, my shirt size is XL!

One more time...

Just came from the dentist. I had the stitches removed. I was worried for a while there. See, I've alweays been the type to bleed easy and heal slowly. The good doctor reassured me that I was doing fine. Although he did caution me that for now only the external wound has closed. It would take a few more weeks to fully heal, so he advised me to takle painkillers if necessary. It still is quite painful in that small area above my jawline. Its like feeling a toothache where there is none (a tooth, that is).

He did mention my other impacted tooth. It was my turn to reassure him. I told him it didn't bother me that much since it hasn't moved in years. So as long as it doesn't hurt, I'm not inclined to have it taken out. What I didn't tell him was that five thousand peso bill hurt me more that the operation. ;-)

Ouch!

Had my impacted tooth extracted last Tuesday afternoon. I thank myself for having the foresight to file for a vacation for last Wednesday a week before. That spared me a lot of sorrow. I was still in pain last Thursday, so I called in sick. Here's the day by day:

Day 1 - Went to the dentist by 2pm. He had already started drilling when I flinched real hard. He had hit a nerve. He had to inject me with another dose of anesthetic. I got a total of three shots. He drilled on. He eventually finished after an hour or drilling, pulling, cutting and sewing. By the time he finished, the right side of my lips were numb. Darned anesthetic was spreading. If only you could control where those blood vessel flowed. By the time I got home, I was bleeding a lot. The anesthetic was wearing thin. I had to place an icepack on my right jaw. I sipped on very cold water every now and then. By early evening, I had to eat cold oatemeal through a straw. It was the only way. Nothing more frustrating than to eat through a straw when you could smell the feast that awaited others.

Day 2 - Woke up in pain. When I got up, I realized that I had stained the pillow case with blood during the night. I started the day by gargling with a saline "cocktail" (actually, that's salt diluted in cold water). Helps kill the bacteria, heal the wound and so forth. I had to cook another batch of oatmeal to sip through the straw. By noon, I scrounged up a few packs of instant noodles. I cooked one pack, took a handheld blender and practically pureed the living daylights out of it. Again, I ate through the straw. But only after I put in a couple of ice cubes. It was still too hot, and I was already hungry. What was I supposed to do? By nightfall, I was feeling a bit better. The swelling was still there though. Painful too. Did I mention it hurt a lot???

Day 3 - I pretty much had to sleep off most of the day. Two days of moaning and groaning had exhausted me. My feeble attempts to chew were met with regarding cynicism by my nerve endings. They refused to be feeble even after three days of painkillers. I had to call in sick. I was too weak and in pain to go to work. Try eating around 30% of what you used to eat.

Day 4 - Went to work with oatmeal in hand. Still on Painkillers. Had to shell out the cash for that. My medical insurance only covers the first prescription for any treatment. Partial chewing is now possible. Darn it! I'm craving for a hamburger.

A Visit to Wil...

I was finally able to go to Wil Wheaton Dot Net. I will have to visit it a few more times to get a feel for Wil's writing. I can tell this much from 10 minutes of reading though - i like the way he says things.

For now though, I need to go to my dentist. I need to set an appointment to have my "impacted wisdom tooth" extracted. I really hope they have strong painkillers! A week away and I'm already worrying. But I've put this off for too long. Not having the money to pay for the minor surgery was a convenient excuse. My wife took an advance fro me. No excuses now, sonny. Arghhhhhhhhhhh!

Subservient Chicken???

Have you ever heard of the Subservient Chicken.Really funny what you can make the chicken do. But if you want to explore what the chicken can really do, check out what the people at boingboing.net have been up to.

Back me up, Scottie!

If you're in the habit of creating "back-up" CD's, you might want to check out jetAudio and Alcohol 120%. jetAudio is actually a media player that has the added functionality of being able to burn audio files onto CD's. The feature list is impressive and its compatible with most if not all media types. Check it out.

Alcohol 120% on the other hand is a just like Nero. It's "burn-centric" software, written to let you create ummmmmmm......ahemmm......."back-up's" of your software, CD's and DVD's.

Found both of these (free) gems featured on Call For Help. If its on Call For Help, it must be good. LOL.

Friendster....NOT!

If Friendster's take on the theory on degrees of seperation has got you looking for something better, then drop by this site for worthwhile alternatives: http://www.notfriendster.com/

Smart Wap Mail - Mobloggin'

Bloggin' while on the move used to be a dream of mine. Thank God I can now email posts to Blogger. With WAPmail I can post from my phone. I've got one gripe though. I can't access my Yahoo account from my SMART line. SMART's so intent on milking the sms cash cow that they blocked access to Yahoo's WAP site. I can only sms my way through Yahoo email. But what good would 160 characters do (character limit of sms-based email)? Hardly enough for a decent paragraph. At least WAPmail gives you 800 to 1,000 characters. So I'll have to make do with SMART's clunky WAPmail application. It gives me close to 850 characters for that added flexibility. Here's to mobile blogging!

Let's try this again!

This is my new blogchalk:
Philippines, Pampanga, Clarkfield, ., Philippine, English, Edu, Male, 26-30. :)

Cornik

One very interesting aspect of Pinoy food would be how often it is eaten and how extremely varied the fare can be. Filipinos eat often. That's a fact that most expats seem to wonder about. They can't believe that we can eat so much yet stay slimmer than they are. I'm actually overweight, but I still lok slimmer than many Americans (caucasians) I've seen. It could be the climate, heredity, or a combination of both and other factors.

Snacks are quite common. "Chichirya", or junk food (could also be used to mean snack), are indespensible to the average Filipino. Take for example the ubiquitous "cornik."  Everyone here has eaten cornik at least once in their lifetime. I get weird looks from expats when I try to explain to them exactly what those brown kernels of deep-fried corn are. Many can't believe we eat corn that way, sun-dried and irreverently fried in coconut oil.

In my younger days, cornik was sold by street vendors frying them in stoves sitting in improvised karitons. That's actually the norm till this day, but I remember a time when a chain called Baliuag Pasalubong tried sprucing up its product image by franchising. It actually worked for a few years. People generally bought cornik from them simply because they kept their stalls cleaner than the average tindero (street vendor). They also started the "MIX" craze. When I had 5 pesos to spare back then, I would ask for 5 pesos worth of MIX, to mean 2.50 pesos worth of cornik and 2.50 worth of fried peanuts. They would use a long-stemmed teaspoon to mix the stuff right in the paper bag, with the optional teaspoon of cooking oil spiked with hot peppers. They take that from a jar nearby filled with oil and what looked like a billion mashed hot peppers, the sight of which could make anyone salivate. Anticipating how hot it would turn out to be more fun than the actual eating. LOL!

Baliuag also made (actually they still do) sweetened kidney beans, my personal favorite. Imagine the dried tender candied beans dusted in powdered sugar. Yumm. Of course, Baliuag's popularity went down when the gossip spread that they were using vetsin (MSG) to season their cornik and fried peanuts instead of salt. Whether that was true, I could only speculate. Although Baliuag Pasalubong has shriveled as an island-wide chain, similar stores are still popular in Bulacan where it was born. I still buy the candied beans from the cornucopia of vaguely-named stores whenever I visit a cousin of mine in Baliuag.

The renaissance of cornik did come after that when they introduced Corn Bits - cornik cooked and packed in factories. They made cornik a mainstay in grocery shelves, all the more to the chagrin of parents. Anyway, the cornik of today is standard grocery store fare, ranging from the plain to flavored and the outragouesly mixed. You can now eat cornik that comes in a number of flavors which include adobo, hot and spicy. Mix now includes deep-fried peas.  As an offshoot, they now sell butung-pakwan and peas in similar packaging and peanuts now come packed with nitrogen. What good nitrogen does to peanuts, I have no idea. I wonder what's next?

Good thing I decided to check out Cat Schwartz's site. Her tagboard was filled with comments about COMCAST firing everyone in TechTV. Went to the personal websites of the TSS host's and read in horror what was to be left of TechTV after it's plundered by COMCAST. This is a sad day for TechTV fans! And there are a lot of angry fans out there.

Blogger has a spiffy new interface. Things ARE getting better in the A.G. (Anno Google) Blogger. A lot of features that used to be available only to paying Bloggers are now part of the free service as well. It'll take me a while to get through al the new features.

I've opted to go with a one of the newer standard templates. Did it for practical reasons. I will have to figure out how to incorporate my old stuff in the new page since I'm not very familiar with CSS. Help anyone?

I'll do a little tinkering here and there and I'll whine about what I can't get to work. You'll notice.

I'm currently in a blogging hiatus. I've got a lot on my mind to blog about but I can't seem to find any time to do it. I'll be in touch.

Oh, and I'm testing out Gmail. Blogger users get an "exclusive" first try. Who cares if it turns out to be crappy adn violates my privacy. It's still 1Gb of email storage space. Even if I get spammed, I won't be compulsively checking it all that often since I've got room to spare.

I'll keep you posted.

Ilang araw na rin akong hindi makatulog. Napakadaling sabihing ito'y natural na epekto ng pagtatrabaho sa gabi. 'Nga lang, kakaiba ang mga nakaraang mga araw.

Sa buhay kasi ng tao'y hindi maikakailang may panahong darating ng kukwestyunin mo ang katuturan ng pagkakalalang mo. Mahirap isiping wala kang silbi sa isang mundong puno ng napakaraming gawaiin. Abala ang lahat, totoo. Pero ang pagiging abala ba nila ay may patutunguhan liban sa mga layunin dikta ng mas malawak na lipunan? Kung minsan, naiisip ko tuloy na para na lamang tayong "drones", o mga aliping bubuyog. Sumusunod na lamang tayo sa agos, walang sariling katuturan maliban sa sabihing tayo'y bahagi ng mas malaking lipunan at ito ang ating katuturan.

Tulad ko. Ano ba ang katuturan ko? Sino ba ako? Madaling sagutin kung minsan. "Nandito ako para yumaman, makaroon ng maraming anak at tagapagmana. Nandito ako para kilalanin ng aking mga katunggali bilang pinakamagaling at pinakamahusay! Ako si *ilagay ang pangalan* ! "

Pero nagiging masalimuot ang sagot sa mga katanungang 'yan kung iikot sa loob ng nalilito nang isip. Sino nga ba ako?

It's my first night back. After a moth of waking up at three am, i am back in my element. I didn't get any sleep this morning though. I should've taken a few hours to prepare for my return to the graveyard but my body refused to obey. That goes to prove my earlier theory that insomnia does not recognize time. Whatever your schedule is, it doesn't matter. Daysleepers and night sleepers alike get an insomnia attack every now and then. Here we go again!

Anyway, I guess I'll have a little more time to blog now. Maybe. OK, not really. I'll be more busy trying to keep awake.

Yesterday, I went Tarlac to do an important task. I went there to become the godfather of a child. My friend Lany had come home from the US to have her Daughter dedicated here. Now as Pinoys would have it, Christian denominations other than Catholic also hold a "binyag."

You see for Pinoys, the significance of "binyag" or christenings aren't limited to the religious. It also has cultural aspects that define us as who we are. It's a thanksgiving of sorts to the God of your belief. You invite friends and family to participate in the ceremony and partake of the small feast you prepared. You cannot do away with food. Food is an intrinsic part of Pinoy celebrations. Feeding a small multitude is tantamount to an offering. That's how a feast for the saints (fiestas) work, that's how it is with a "binyag." So, Catholics have their christenings and most other Christian denominations have a dedication.

I went to Tarlac with my son, wife and mother and became a "ninong" for the 6th time in my life. It was an important role given only to the closest of friends. I was glad to have been remembered by this dear friend of mine that she wanted me to become a godfather to her child. It was a memorable day, and my son was there to witness it. The time will come when he too will become a ninong to someone's child, and he will remember that I taught him the impotance of tradition and friendship.

In the larger scheme of things, all of life's miseries can be blamed on the self and the untiring pursuit of things we feel will complete us. But in the end it all comes down to insatiable desire of the ego to have, covet and possess all that there is. Greed is what fuels us. Wouldn't it be futile to go on then if all that makes us do what we do is that which can destroy us? When the thirst can never be quenched?? When the desire will only end when we lay in our cold grave???

What else is there to look forward to ?

Its been a long while. I haven't had that much time to surf the net. Been busy with work. After about a week in the graveyard shift, they offered me slot in the 5 am - 1 pm shift (the torture shift!) which would last for a month or until they settle our next shift schedules which are set to change on April 4. I had to accept it though. To paraphrase Don Vito Corleone, "make him an offer he can't refuse."

They offered me a Saturday off. My wife has the weekends off, and I don't. It's been ages since I managed to land a Saturday off. She wanted me to take it. End of story.

I'm going back to the night shift starting tonight. I'm feeling kinda blue that our training sessions already over. I was kinda getting the hang of going home by 1pm, though waking up at 3:30 in the morning is such a burden. And what could be more akin to masochistic self-flagellation than showering at 3:30 am??? Brrrrrrrr.... I still get goosebumps when I think about it.

Which reminds me... I recall a friend of mine, a Chinoy (Chinese-Filipino), who recounted his experience Taiwan. After he turned 25, he's been goin' to Taiwan to work there for 6 months (and go home only to return after three weeks of partying here). He could do that because he has Taiwanese citizenship. Anyway, he counts himself more Filipino than Taiwanese. He has said so many times. One time during winter, he took a shower at the start of his working day. Even with the heater on, the shower still spewed cold water. He was compelled to shower though (as all Filipinos are!), so he grit his teeth and proceeded to shower, shouting a plethora of invectives in Tagalog. He ate breakfast, got dressed and went out the door as usual. While he was locking the door to the condominium unit he shared with 4 other Chinoys, the next door neighbor braved a peek out of his door and called his attention. The guy asked with only his eyes visible through the small opening if my friend was in a fight with anybody in his unit. He answered with pride, "No, I was just taking a shower."

According to my friend, the Taiwanese don't take a shower before they go to work. They only bathe the night before. Seems strange to a Filipino like me, but I guess that's how things are in their part of the world.

Looks like I won't be sleeping days these next few days. I'm attending training sessions for a new function that the company's moving from the US. Guess we've proven our worth... or maybe our worth in dollars saved. Whatever it is, it'll be quite a challenge.

I'm actually more worried about coping with another thing -- the weather. I'm not used to all this sunlight when I go out on my breaks.

This is great news! The US-FCC recently ruled the voice calls from computer to computer are exempt from telecom rules. This will probably make the regular phone call rates cheaper. Competition has a way of making things cheaper for consumers. I just hope it'll be cheaper too for people calling the US from other countries.

I tend to agree wholeheartedly to the argument that you shouldn't fault technology for impropriety committed by unscrupulous individuals. Recently though, I'm been reading a lot of news stories that make me want to think otherwise. Here's one online... Use of In-Phone Cameras Prompts Bans.

You almost always tend to think you're relatively protected from all this. Until of course it happens to you or someone you know. I'm particularly paranoid now, knowing this kind of thing is being done for profit. Profit provides a motivation for people with resources to abuse technology.

Stereotypes can be a deceiving. I must admit that it was only out of curiosity that I clicked on the link for Hot Abercrombie Chick! on Bloggers recently-updated list. I must honestly say that as soon as the picture came up I was expecting another teenage blog littered with F words and everyday gripes about homework. Reading the entries made me feel such a boob for subscribing to that train of thought. Amanda writes a lot about philosophical and social issues. The blog is particularly heavy reading, if you're not in the mood to think. A wide range of issues are tackled in her blog, from welfare and gay marriages to abortion and Solipsism. The comments are just as stimulating to read, with lot of debates going on for particular issues. Anyway, check it out. Great read :-]

The last three nights at work have been excruciating. I was feeling off since Monday. By "off", I mean that i wasn't feeling well. I was lethargic, uncontrolably sleepy, even nauseated at times to the point I almost want to throw up. I went to the clinic a couple of times to monitor an unlikely culprit -- I had low blood pressure. I expected otherwise since I'm 20 pounds over my ideal weight.

Tuesday night, I had a BP of 100/80. The other night it was 100/70. Last night was better. My BP had gone up to 110/80, within the norm as doctors would have it. I'm a bit nervous though. I'm apprehensive that my blood pressure might seesaw from low to high.

The only reason for my current condition (that I could think of, that is) was my recent decision to return to my former eating pattern. I cut down on rice, eating only half a cup every meal. I eat oatmeal more often now. I recently increased my intake of graham crackers and wheat bread as well. Lack of sleep though is the most likely culprit. I haven't been getting much lately. The doctor's preliminary advice is to increase the frequency of my meals to keep my sugar up, more vitamins and a whole lot more sleep.

I feel so tired these days.

Hmmmm.... tried Amazon's wishlist just for the heck of it.

Click here to view my wish list.

It's gone! Like a minor miracle, my desire to smoke is gone. Hmmm... Am I destined to repeat a pattern here somewhere? Maybe. We all have our highs and lows. Must be the same for quitting. I hope I don't give in anytime soon. I hope I don't give in ever, for that matter.

This country's already in a financial glut and they're still in denial. The two leading candidates for the Philippine presidency are both unfit to lead this country! Unfortunately, the only candidate that could do this country some good is lagging behind in third place in recent surveys. If we're going the way Argentina did, might as well have it that way. Otherwise, the people of this country will never learn to vote for people with true conviction.

Been craving for coffee again. Grrrrr..... Took a few sips from my wife's cup yesterday morning. I might go overboard, so might as well take a few sips to stave off the craving.

Spaeking of coffee, have you ever wondered about the success of Starbucks? Everyone I talk to complains Starbucks charges way too much for their brew. Unfortrunately, they're the same ones that jump at the chance to go to one if they were anywhere near one. Or, they go to a few of the local places that charge around 10 cents lower that Starbucks. Still expensive, if you asked me.

I read an article from Motley Fool about the latte phenomenon that everyone else wants to cash in on. And while were talking joe, try to check out the Tall Latte Index.

I was eating breakfast during my break when I noticed they were playing an old movie I always missed on HBO. I watched it once several years ago and have not been able to watch it in full in the last couple of years. I saw Annette Benning with Warren Beatty and Katharine Hepburn. While the movie went on, I tried to recall the title and how it ended. My break ended and the movie was still winding down. I didn't get to see the end, nor was I able to remember it. I always get this gnawing feeling in me whenever I fail to recall something. Anyway, I eventually went to IMDB.com and rummaged through all the links on Annette Benning's filmography. Voila! I came upon Love Affair. I'll try to look for this film and watch it with the wifey. I can't recall the ending, but the movie stirred something in me that made me feel good. Must be my subconscious playing tricks on me again. I'll just have to find out how it ends the hard way, I guess.

Microsoft and SCO are each offering bounty for the capture of the author of "mydoom"..... Just proves payback can be a bitch.

Last night I confessed to my wife. In the last month, I smoked a few times. By a few, I mean less than 10. She didn't take it so well. I tried to explain it to her. I tried to tell her that this was how it was, that dealing with an addiction wasn't easy. I told her that there were days when you'd feel like the most invincible quitter of all time and that there were days when you were very vulnerable. I told her that my addiction was going to be with me till the day that I die and that I would have to fight it every single day of it. I tried to tell her how difficult It was, to describe in so many words how hard it was to carry such a heavy burden. I knew cigarettes kill. I knew what damage they could do. There were just tmes that I couldn't stop myself. Cigarette smoke already tastes stale to me, a proof that my body has gotten over the addiction that had caused terrible withdrawal symptoms. What remains is the psychological addiction that I have in my head. It is a much more formidable foe, so much more stronger that anything I've ever gone against.

Maybe that's why I've been obsessing about building computer. My subconscious was trying to save me from my own conscious thoughts, filling my head with thoughts of building something. I missed a lot of opportunities to smoke because of that preoccupation with technology.

As expected, she didn't take it so well. She launched into a lecture of her own, increasing my frustration. I had let her down. I already knew that. My wife's enunciation of that fact furthered my guilt. In the end, after all the words she still could (or would ) not understand. I can't blame her. She won't be able to unless she goes through the same thing. I knew of the consequnces of my actions. My father died of smoking. So did my grandafather. I was well aware of the dangers.

After saying her piece, she left me all alone in our room. I cried in sheer frustration. I felt so lonely during those five long minutes that I cried. When she came back, the tears were gone. She put her arm around me. Though I knew she wanted to comfort me, I didn't feel comforted. As was my nature in times of crisis, I was withdrawn. I took her arms from my shoulder and I stood up. I went to get a shower.

When I got to the shower, I just stood there. No thoughts crossed my head. I just stared at the wall for what must've been a long time. I was startled when my wife called. She must've noticed that I've been in there a while. I started to shower and was disappointed that it failed to help me relax my tense feelings. Taking showers have always helped me feel better. Last night, it didn't. At that point I was depressed. I just got dressed and went on to work without much thought or motive. The night wore on, as if it were endless...

This is madness! I'm still no less obsessed about building a computer. It actually feels like its building momentum. I want it so bad I can smell it, or so the saying goes.

If other men use the Internet to view porn, I use it to view reviews. If other men use the Net to look at centerfold pics, I use it to ogle at pictures of motherboards, cpu's, cooling fans, case mods, the works. I'm infected with technolust, no doubt. I even dropped by a local store and got an updated pricelist today. So far though, I've only saved enough to buy a decent PC case, floppy drive and and modem. I'm postponing buying anything because by the time I finally get the money together, better and cheaper alternatives might be available. In the past six months the price of components, save for the CPU's, have actually gone down. CPU's are now more expensive than they were six month ago. In comparison, the other fairly expensive parts have gone done by a couple of hundred since then.

Most of the articles I've read have actually set a minimum budget of Php 30,000 for a budget rig. Others still set a budget of Php 20,000 for an el cheapo rig. I'm aiming for somehing in between, about 25K. I don't think I'll be geting there any time soon. I'm tempted to use my credit card, but every bone in my body shivers at the thought of having to slave away at the keyboard to be able to make credit payments every month. Even with a deferred payment plan, the interest still comes to about a fifth of what I charge. That's steep. I think I will have to go the old-fashioned way -- the piggy bank way!

It's depressing to read about what suffering children in this age are going through. Even tougher still to reconcile that the world isn't evil, but rather those who inhabit this parched earth. Read this article from ABC News and this webpage about the suffering children of Central Asia. Made me feel a tinge of guilt that I've been griping about difficulties in my life when they're so trivial as compared to the fate other people (children at that!) have to suffer :'-((

I'm obsessing again. Is there such a word -- obsessing? Anyway, I've really, really, really got gnawing thought that I can't seem to shake. I've been thinking a about building a computer. It's not an entirely novel idea, nor is it a new one. I've given thought to it a few times in the past few years. I haven't really done it just yet.

Lately though, the idea seems stuck in my head. I think about it all the time. while riding the jeep, while watching the news, before I go to sleep. Do you personally know a sane person that thinks about motherboards before he goes to sleep? This is crazy!

Whatever I do, I can't stop thinking about it. I've spent countless coffee breaks reading reviews of components, searching for the right motherboard and checking prices online. I even subscribed to an online store's mailing list to get a weekly update on prices. I've started to frequent a pinoy techie site to brush up on the subject. I've emailed articles to numerous friends, asking their opinion about which parts would strike a balance between price and functionality. I feel like I know a lot more now, theoritically that is.

It's not like we could afford one right now. Between my son's educational plan and the residential lot we're paying for, we aren't really saving that much. Whatever is left is put in the bank. My money is no longer mine these days. Its part of a common fund -- LOL. Our fund. Sometimes, that makes me feel, I dunno, deprived (?) Having given up the power to decide what I could do with money I earn, I feel "deprived", like I'm helpless. Ego issue? Yeah, maybe. I think I need to re-evaluate my ego. It's getting the best of me, overshadowing the obvious fact.

A computer could wait...No, it should wait. It's a want rather than a need. And as rational thought would have it, I should think less about it and devote the rest of my dying braincells to more noble pursuits. The problem is how to stop thinking about it. Darn. I'm obsessing alright.

Looks like 2004's going to be a big year for portable music. Apple's soaking up a lot of press lately after it launched the iPod Mini at the latest Macworld Expo.

On the other side of the spectrum, amidst the slew of multi-gigabyte hardrive players, Sony is struggling to keep the Minidisc format alive. It did a pretty good job by the looks of it. It recently unveiled the Hi-MD.

What a way to start the year. I wonder if it'll be harder to copy music when these babies become more proliferate.

A few days ago, I had the chance to read all the emailed newsletter that I subscribed to. Haven't had any time to do that lately. I came across an article written by Penelope Trunk. You can read that article here: Working Through Grief

I couldn't help but respond to th article, so I sent her an email (copied below).

"I've been putting off reading all of these emailed articles that I'ved subscribed to, having prioritized all of the work-related email first. It's been a busy holiday season for us and by the looks of your December 29 article, you've probably have an idea what I do for a living."

"I find myself writing to you because I feel the need to say that I understand your grief. I'm no stranger to it myself. Back in 1997, I lost three members of my family. My father died of cancer April of that year. Six months to the day, my younger brother died of a heart attack. He had just turned 20 years old two weeks before his death. On December 1, my youngest brother died at 17. The Christmas of '97 was the saddest that I knew. "

"My mother was stircken with grief for such a long time. I was trying to deal with my own grief my way, basically trying to numb myself by engaging in reckless behavior. I didn't know how else to deal with it. Nothing seemed to comfort us. Seeing each other only seemed to remind us that we were was was left of our family -- just the two of us. We rarely talked about it, maybe because bringing up the subject was such a painful experience. "

"Looking back at the experience today, I know I've learned 2 things. First is that grief can be debilitating. Ignoring it only seems to make it worse. Facing it is such a painful but necessary exercise. The second is that in our desire to deal with it, we must be willing to open up and talk about it. I've talked about my grief sparingly in the last 6 years. I've recounted the ordeal to a handful of people. I still find it difficult at times. "

"I just want to say that you've done a great thing, talking about your grief at such a difficult time. I admire you for that. May God bless us all. Sincerely, Ed "

I was surprised that she replied 45 minutes after I emailed her. For a reader like me, receving such a fast response from a writer I read was a warm surprise. Her reply was both heart-warming and encouraging...

"Hi Ed, Thank you for taking the time to write. I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. I have three
brothers, and I can't imagine how I would get through what you have pulled yourself through. I
appreciate you writing the story, though. There is something very human and real about hearing
about peoples' most difficult times. I hope that each Christmas is easier for you. Best, Penelope"

I replied back that I would post this on my blog to share it (in turn) with everyone that reads my blog.

Here's an article by Dayana Yochim that's sure to whet your appetite for fastfood: Real Meal Steals

The Christmas season is now officially at a close. We can now start the drudgery we will call 2004. Hmmmm.... I wonder if there'll be anything good to look forward to this year.

There's the presidential elections for starters, but I doubt it'll bring any good to us. The actor will probably win, and we'll be right where we started 4 years ago. His running mate is hoping to do another Gloria -- meaning, she's running for VP in the hopes of ascending to the presidency.

Then there're friends. I recently renewed ties with a long-lost friend. It saddened me to discover she's now abroad and I didn't even get to see her before she went. I haven't seen her in 12 years, but at least were emailing each other now. Another friend is coming home mid-2004 and I will get to see her youngest daughter for the first time. Then there's my son's birthday 2nd birthday. That'll be something good to look forward to as well.

Then there's Christmas. Yes, this early people are already thinking about the next Christmas. It simply the happiest season of the whole year. The rest of the year is just a bunch of ho-hum days sprinkled with a few significant dates like birthdays, anniversaries and such. The Christmas season in the Philippines starts around September and usually means there'll be money to spend (bonuses, actually) and money to be made (selling to people with bonuses). Christmas also means simbang gabi, family reunions, balikbayan boxes and aguinaldo for the kids. Christmas (in this country at least) has become a symbol of prosperity at the end of a year of turmoil. That's why I think of the next Christmas when they wish me a "Prosperous New Year" during New Year's Eve. Ironically, it's the only prosperous time of the year.

Check out Time Magazine's list of 2003's Coolest Inventions. My personal Favorite? Dean Kamen's Water Purifier. What could be more cool(er) than an invention that has the potential to save lives.

It's just another New Year's Eve... Just another Auld Lang Syne... Except this year, I'm working.


Have a Happy New Year!

I chanced upon the latest results of Guardian Unlimited's contest for the best Brit blogs. I'm a big fan of Online Blog, the Guardian's web trends and technology blog. So the I expected the winning blogs really be the best of British blogging.

I'm currently reading two of the winners that stirred my interest. One's called Belle de Jour authored by a London call girl. Although one may find it hard to get past the steamy (at times erotic, even!) entries and appreciate the writing instead, I would have to admit it will keep me interested for a long while. The writing is great, staright-forward, and very realistic. What can I say? The lady knows what she wants! It's everyday life from a different perspective.

The other is Call Centre Confidential, authored by an "anonymous" call center team manager. If there is one thing I must admire about the Brits, its their humor. This blog is a great example. Help yourselves to a chuckle or two. Read it.

I wandered over to Sitemeter.com to check my blog's stats. I haven't checked on them for quite a while now. I was dismayed at the dismal number of hits I've been getting these las few weeks. It's not like I want to be a top-rated blog or someting, but anything consistenly above ten hits a day would be fine.

Anyway, Sitemeter also has a tracker of "referrals" which records what webpage a visitor went to before coming to my site. Not really useful but interesting really, if you need to know what keywords people are using on search engines which eventaully lead to your page. I got hits from searches for diced hopia, siopao, crema de fruta, ref cake, Elvis Presley's peanut butter-banana sandwich, Bob Ong, bobongpinoy.com and Rosanna Roces. Hmmm... makes it quite obvious what I want to gab about. And while we are on the subject of food, lemme thank Tatang Retong of Tatang's Karinderia for linking to my blog.

Yesterday night, a butterfly flew into the house as I opened our front door. I tried to shoo it away, leaving nearby doors and windws open. It didnt work. I left for work last night, the butterfly still fluttering around the edges of our ceiling.

Being Filipino, I half-believed old superstition that says butterflies are manifestations of the departed. That belief has survived almost 400 years of colonial rule and cultural subjugation. Who am I to argue its validity? Anyway, I forgot all about it and went to work.

This morning, I came home and started doing the laundry. Since I usually come home at around 5:30 am, I had time to do some chores before I went to sleep. I was halfway done when I noticed the butterfly. It had come outside and was sitting on the cement floor right next to the door. As gust after gust whipped by, it sat there unmoved, wings swaying almost violently at times to the breeze. I was struck by a sudden realization. It had come to my home to die. And I was amazed by the stillness of the poor thing. It's as if it had accepted its fate and was at peacae with it.

I then turned to myself. I knew I was afraid to die. I feared death just like any other person. I often wonder if I will come to peace with my own passing, once it comes. After I finished the last of the laundry, I glanced at the butterfly one more time. It lay lifeless on its side, the breeze still blowing upon its wings as if telling it to fly one last time. Alas, it will fly no more. The flutter of its wings has been extinguished forever. I felt a tear form in my eye, but I knew it was not for the butterfly, rather for myself.

Darn! I forgot to click on PUBLISH the last time I posted an entry.

Yesterday night,a butterfly flew into the house as I opened our front door. I tried to shoo it away, leaving nearby doors and windws open. It didnt work. I left for work last night,the butterfly still fluttering around the edges of our ceiling.
Being Filipino, I half-believed old superstition that says butterflies are manifestations of the departed.That belief has survived almost 400 years of colonial rule and cultural subjugation. Who am I to argue its validity? Anyway, I forgot all about it and went to work.
This morning, I came home and started doing the laundry. Since I usually come home at around 5:30 am, I had time to do some chores before I went to sleep. I was halfway done when I noticed the butterfly. It had come outside and was sitting on the cement floor right next to the door. As gust after gust whipped by, it sat there unmoved, wings swaying almost violently at times to the breeze. I was struck by a sudden realization. It had come to my home to die. And I was amazed by the stillness of the poor thing. It's as if it had accepted its fate and was at peacae with it.
I then turned to myself. I knew I was afraid to die. I feared death just like any other person. I often wonder if I will come to peace with my own passing, once it comes. After I finished the last of the laundry, I glanced at the butterfly one more time. It lay lifeless on its side, the breeze still blowing upon its wings as if telling it to fly one last time. Alas, it will fly no more. The flutter of its wings has been extinguished forever. I felt a tear form in my eye, but I knew it not for the butterfly, rather for myself.

This morning, as I was on my way out of the office, I was assaulted by a barrage of people greeting me a "merry christmas." I only managed a feeble "merry christmas" back and a wane smile. I was afterall preoccupied with what was to happen tonight. It was Chrsitmas eve and I would be working the whole night.

To say we're swamped with our current workload is an understatement. We've been busy because of the Christmas season highs. And Christmas eve was the most inoportune time to be working. You'd be away from your family during one of the most important holidays, and you'll have to bear a heavy workload. Double whammy.

So I'd like to apologize for not having the initiative to greet everyone a Merry Christmas. But do greet me when our paths cross. I'll still greet you back and give you a warm smile from the heart. Merry Chistmas! :-]

For the love of vegetables! Veggie Porn is for the connoisseur, not for the weak of heart.

Have you heard of Google Bombs? Well, Bush is really getting hits on his official bio after hundreds (who knows, they may number in the thousands) of bloggers created links like this ===> "miserable failure" .

I had it again. Lately, my waking moments have been haunted by this fleeting memory of a recurring dream. The dream isn't actually the same everytime, but it feels the same. I always feel abject terror run down my spine at the sudden realization I am alone -- absolutely alone.

It seems innocently enough whe it begins with me travelling through some sort of time portal that takes me to the future. When I get there, I know the year but not the day. In the dream, the first thing I do is tell myself what year it is. In each dream though, the year is different. I then cautiously look around. In each dream, the landscpae is different. In one, I come to a urbanized placed filled with so much ruble, as if war had come to that place. One time, I was in an endless grassy field -- no trees, no animals, no nothing. Just grass in a field that seemed to stretch on to forever.

As soon as I realize I am alone, fear starts to build-up. I try to fight off the nagging suspicion that I am the only person left in this planet, but my fear grows uncontrolably in my chest. Terror begins to grip me, as I finally accept the truth and could only mutter "the world ends on XXXX." I come to my knees. I wake up. The details of the dream float in the air and then disappear one by one, only to leave me asking "why?"

A few weeks ago, I was rummaging through some of my old stuff and I happened upon a 3-year old letter. I was supposed to mail it but had forgotten. I had lost touch with the person I was supposed to send it to. That letter was suppose to rekindle a frienship gone cold with the passing of years. That effort failed when I forgot such a simple thing -- I forgot to mail it. That day, I couldn't take the letter off my mind. So I dug up the half-forgotten telephone directory that sat on our office desk at home like a relic. I looked up her old home address and called. I got to talk to her Kuya. Understadably, he said he would have to ask his sister about giving me the info. You can't be too careful with strangers on the phone.

Then 2 weeks passed. I had passing thoughts about my seemingly strange request (to her Kuya). I was contemplating calling again, but hesitated I might be tagged as someone delibirately gathering private information. Social engineering by phone, so to speak.

So you could imagine my surprise when a few days ago I received an anonymous text message with her email address. The message also informed me though that she might not reply immediately because she was busy with work. I emailed her anyway. I sent it yesterday. By a strange stroke of luck, she replied today. That was quick! Those five lines of text made me smile. They weren't necessarily profound. Just a few words saying she was glad I wrote. But, it meant a whole lot to me. It should. I haven't heard from her in 8 years. I just sent a long reply to ellicit a lengthier reply from her.

It's a great feeling to be reunited, albeit only electronically, with an old friend :-)

After 3 excruciating days, Matthew's fever is finally gone for good. We went to our pediatrician this morning for his regular check-up. She confirmed Matthew was on his way to recovery. We did ask her for a new prescription, because he wouldn't drink the antibiotic that was originally prescribed. So she wrote up a new one for a more concentrated form, for the same dose and lesser volume. That'll be easier to swallow (literally!) than the orange-flavored misery Matty spit out every time.

Good thing I prayed ;-) And who says prayers don't work anymore?

Now this is interesting!

Parang napakabagal ng oras kapag hinihintay mo ito. Bakit ako naiinip? Wala pa kasi akong tulog simula kaninang alas-3 umaga. Baket? Nag-alaga ako ng bata.

Nakakaawa naman kasi, nilalagnat. Dinala na nga namin sa ospital kagabi. Nakahinga ako nang maluwag ng sinabihan ako ng ER doctor na hindi na s'ya kailangang i-confine.

Ang hirap lang, kahit naiuwi namin ang baby namin, napuyat parin kaming mag-asawa. Nasabi ko tuloy sa sarili ko na, "Ganito palang maging tatay, mahirap pero titiisin mo kahit gaano kahirap. Idadasal mo pa na sa iyo na lang mapunta ang sakit."

Napuyat kami dahil pabalik-balik lagnat ni baby. Hindi kami magkandaugaga sa paghilamos sa kanyang noo kapag masyado na s'yang mainit, at ganun din namang pagmamadaling suotan s'ya ng panglamig kapag giniginaw.

Mainit ang ulo n'ya kasi wala siyang mapagbalingan ng sakit ng loob. Hindi n'ya alam kung paano n'yang sasabihin kung ano ang masakit, kung ano ang gusto n'yang ilunas mo, at kung ano ang nararamdaman n'ya. Kapag nagkasakit ang bata, hindi lang physical, emotional din. Dangkasi, umaasa pa sila ng buong-buo sa iyo. Ayokong biguin ang anak ko, kanya kahit lumiban na ako sa pagpasok sa opisina eh parang pumasok na rin ako dahil binuno ko ang puyat.

Kanya heto't para akong wala sa sarili. Problema nito eh kung kakayanin kong tapusin ang shift ko.

And then there were three...

Home-made Segways, anyone? Geeks, this way please: the specs.

I went to Tarlac last Saturday. I went to visit soem old friends and pay for my son's educational plan (incidentally, I got the plan from the Tarlac branch of a reputable company). I haven't gone there for the better part of this year. So I made the trip last Saturday.

I got to visit one of my old college buddies, Wilson. I was surprised to find out his wife was pregnant wih their second child. About time. Their daughter is almost seven I recall. I gave her her aguinaldo before I left. I might not have the chance to go backa to Tarlac for Christmas adn aI have a lot of time to make up for. That was just her second aguinaldo from me since her baptismal, and she's almost seven! Bright kid too. Makes parting with my money easier to think about - hehehe.

Then I got to visit my old fraternity brod, Odie. We go way back. 10 years or so. I listened contentedly to his raves about the changes that've happened in his life. He's started a mortgage for a new house, for one. His oldest kid is now in her freshman year. His now actively campaigning for composting/recycling in his youngest daughter's elementary school. I'm happy for him. When I was about to leave for home, another brod came by. We traded a few more stories before I was off on my way.

When I got home, I played with my son a couple of hours. Then i slept for another 2 and I was off to the office. It was a tough day. But in the end of it all, it made me a happier man.

Naalala ko na ganitong panahon may anim na taon na ang nakakaraan nang kausapin ako ng bunso kong kapatid. Ang sabi n'ya'y, "Ang lungkot naman ng pasko natin ngayon.." Patungkol ang sinabi n'ya sa pagkamatay ng ama namin nang Abril at ng kapatid naming si Oliver nang Oktubre ng taong yaon. Pagkaraan ng ilang linggo ng pag-uusap naming 'yun, namatay din ang bunso kong kapatid. Hanggang ngayon, may mga araw na bigla ko na lang silang naaalala.

Hindi naman nawawala ang sakit na dulot ng pagkawala nila. Natututunan lamang nating maging manhid sa sakit. Natututunan lang nating itago ang sakit sa kung saan lihim na sulok ng puso. Ngunit dali-dali itong manunumbalik tuwing may isang halos malimot na ala-alang sasagi sa isip mo. Tulad halimbawa ng, " Ang lungkot naman ng pasko...."

Ditto

Last Saturday, my wife took me out to dinner. Ummm....On second thought, that isn't entirely accurate. We met a few of her friends for dinner over at Salvatoré's. That's a local Italian resto that's right smack in the middle of Angeles City's number one tourist attraction for Caucasian pensioners -- Fields Avenue.

I discovered this resto on our first date some 2 years ago. I non-chalantly asked my wife (still my prospective girlfiend back then) if she'd like to go to a movie with me some time. She said yes and we went to the theater without checking the movie scheds. Turned out the only "good" movie playing was Rush Hour 2. I say "good" because at the time, my wife had already seen it and she still insisted we watch it. Anyway, after the movie I asked if she wanted to have dinner with me. She recommended we go to a restaurant she frequented. That was the night I opened up my heart and life to her. Salvatoré's has since figured in most of our dinner dates.

It was nice coming back to Salvatoré's. I had been wanting to go there for a long time. My dietary restrictions have prevented that in the past. Being an Italian resto, almost all of the food they serve has either herbed tomato sauce or rich luscious creme. Both have been off my diet since January. I confessed the fact to her friends. They knew I loved tomatoes on pasta. It puzzled them that I ordered Carbonara (just egg, no creme).

Anyway, it was wonderful to be back in Salvatoré's. It did annoy me a bit that the waitresses seemed to prefer waiting on other tables, specifically ones seating geriatric geysers who were escorted by young "exotic" beauties. I felt that I was being treated like a second-class citizen in my own country. If tales of old are to be believed, this "racism" has been going on since Clarkfield and Subic were established.

What Irritated me more was a stare I got from a large 30-yr old German guy from the next table. Coming back from the restroom. I caught him eyeing me as I returned to our table. He was checking me out. A shudder went down my spine. I was having dinner with 4 women (one of them being my wife). He must've assumed I was gay. I almost scoffed aloud at the thought. Once seated, I was fighting off the urge to hurl invectives at him. Had he not been with an equally corpulent 6-ft tall compatriot, I would not have hesitated.

Distractions aside, we have a great evening. At least my wife's friends enjoyed my company. Don't know many married men who manage to do that.

This morning I visited my father's grave. Since I have Friday nights off, I decided to go there a day early of the "Undas" pilgrimage. It did take me 2 hours to get there. A truck had an accident on the Concepcion-Magalang road. It caused a monster traffic jam.

When I eventually got there, there were no crowds. Just a few people doing some last-minute painting. I lit candles for my father and 2 brothers. It had been a couple of years since I last visited. I felt a little guilty that I hadn't visited. I kept trying to shut out that part of my life, the memory of their death. I've dealt with reality of it, but I'd rather not think about it.

After I said my prayers I took a pair of cigarrettes from my shirt pocket. I had quit 10 months ago due to gastric problems. I lit one of them. It was my first cigarrette in 10 months. It tasted familiar, albeit awful. Each draw was comforting, though. It was almost relaxing. I took the other cigarrette and placed it on my father's gravestone. I then whispered, "One last draw, Dad. One last draw. You've always wanted one, up until the day that you died. I prayed for the day that I could stop smoking myself. The day has come. I don't want to put the same burden on my son."

"I'm sorry that we could'nt get along all the time. I'm sorry I couldn't be the perfect son that you hoped for. I'm sorry that I didn't have the courage to tell you why I did what I did. That would've made it easier for you to understand your son. I'm sorry I was as proud as you were. So proud that I couldn't admit when you were the one who was right."

"Let's make our peace, Dad. I need to live a better life, for my son. Let's make our peace and be done with it. One last draw, like you always wanted. It ends here."

Having said that, I threw away my last cigarrette.

Tonight, I came back to the night shift. I return to the perpetually alluring comfort that is the night. And like a prodigal son returning home I came to her, and she welcomed me. I've always like the graveyard shift. There's a certain feel to it, a certain mystical charm that always makes me feel welcome. Could it be the cool embrace of the early morning air? Could it be the deliberate easy pace that everyone takes? Or maybe I'm just a night person.

The night continues to inspire me. It has in the past helped me create wonderful articles and a few notable poems. It has comforted me during my lonesome days. The night has always been there to provide closure. Maybe I like to stay awake at night because I'm simply a sentimental person and closure is hard to accept. Whatever it is, I feel welcome. I'm glad I'm back.

The only thing that bothers me is the fact that I miss my son. It's my first night and I already miss him :-[

An Open Letter To George W.

Dear Mr. President,

I would like to take this oportunity to thank you for visiting the Philippines. It is with great honor that we receive you. Please be assured that we will take any means necessary to ensure your safety and comfort.

Your safety is our utmost concern. Rightly so. We have no desire whatsoever to be subjugated like Iraq and Afghanistan. We plan to make your trip here as safe as possible. We've trained our airport police squads in bomb detection. Please be assured that the accidental blast in a NAIA building a few weeks ago was a learning experience. The sacrifice of the officers involved will not go to waste. We've trained our very first Light Reaction Company under the auspices of your military. Our pilots have also been having a ball doing exercises with your military pilots. Some did lament that you had far more superior aircraft that was the only thing they learned from the exercises. Maybe you could spare us a few more donations so we could spruce up our Air Force. We could use some of those 20-year old Hornets to replace our 40-year old Phantoms.

Those Hornets could do us a lot fo good in Mindanao. Speaking of Mindanao, we've been a gracious host to your covert ops teams there. They've helped us a great deal. Might I add sir that they really do kick some terribble "ass"! Together with our indominable pinoy foot soldiers-cum-bodyguards for the US soldiers, we've been successful in erradicating the Abu Sayyaf terrorists along with a considerable number of legitimate of muslim secessionists. That was a calculated move to target their potential recruiting efforts. I know that you will be proud to know that the move is in keeping with the tactics that your military taught ours -- that is, to kill a fly with a sledgehammer. That very same principle has worked miracles for our military in the last 50 or so years, save for bad press when the international community found out.

We have also spared no expense to make your 8-hour stay here as memorable as possible. Nevermind that the money we're spending could well feed a multitude of our slum-dwellers for a few weeks. They're a bunch of drugged-up junkies anyway. We're better of spending the money on decorations and a US$1,000 a plate dinner for you and your entourage. We've also arranged to import a few tons of pork rinds and pretzels from the US. We know that you like them so much. The deal will also foster closer economic ties between our respective countries.

There's alot riding on your visit. Exactly what, only our benevolent leaders know. Enjoy your visit here, sir! Mabuhay!

I missed a milestone in my baby's life. He walked his first unassisted steps last Friday. I was at work at the time. He walked an incredible 11 paces.

This morning, he started to move on to something else as well. He used to a lot of new stuff (be it toys or household objects) into his mouth. If its something new, it will find itself in his mouth. He now plays with the things he finds. He drops lids on the floor to see if they bounce as well as his plastic alphabet set. He still puts his thumb into his mouth, though.

He's also discovering doors. He keeps opening and closing them. We now have to constantly check if the screen doors are locked.

Speaking of new discoveries, Discovery channel is running a new series about the Human Baby. Pretty startling what research is uncovering about how and how fast we (humans) learn as babies. It airs every Tuesday, 11pm (PI Time).

The other day, I saw a lot of these upright streamers hung along the road that goes the length of Clarkfield. Here's how I reacted:

"Slogan"
[My thoughts]

"GMA means progress"
[Hell, yeah! Look at all the progress we've achieved digging ourselves deeper into foreign debt.]

"GMA means jobs"
[Jobs! Yes! LOST JOBS! A lot of people already lost theirs in the last 2 yrs of her presidency. Hello???]

"GMA means democracy"
[What democracy??? ]

"GMA means fights against drugs"
[Uh, okey. I'll just tell the neighborhood meth peddler that the prez is looking him.]

"GMA means education"
[We sure need a lot of that. Just look at the previous slogan.]

"GMA means youth development"
[Okey, I'll just have to hide the memory of begging 4-yr olds in my subconscious.]

It's a pity the Kris-Joey thing ended so soon. I could've endured that longer than the Chinovela craze. Yesterday, when the story broke out, everyone was talking about why Kris conceded so easily. It seems everyone has an opinion as to why. Personally, I would've have preferred taking the man to court. Dura Lex, Sed Lex. Let the man suffer for his arrogant ways.

Anyway, tonight's shuttle ride home was unbearably hair-raising. Nobody was talking about Kris and Joey. Unfortunately,they were back to Chinovelas. Some of the people in the jeep were evern practicing Mandarin (of all things!) phrases. At the end of the ride, they said their goodbyes in Mandarin. What has come to this country that we have been relegated to being Chinese wannabe's. If you wanna learn the language, learn it so you can use it to communicate. Learn it so you could enrich yourself. Don't try to learn it to be "in". It makes you look more idiotic, considering you already are stupid (redundancy intended).

It's my son's birthday tomorrow. Tomorrow he turns one. Tomorrow is the start of a whole new phase in his life. Starting tomorrow, there will be no turning back.

I am, as usual, fretting. It's not so much the birthday, or the party. It's the symbolic meaning of it all. Boys grow up so fast. Often, fathers think all too soon. Boys grow and sometimes they don't look back. Everyday with my son is a constant struggle for me. I've tried very hard to keep a promise I made to myself when I was younger. I promised myself I wouldn't be anything like my father. I told myself that I'd be a better father than my own father. That promise is turning my life into a struggle.

I feel the joy of being a father. But at the same time, I also feel the swell of my emotions at the slightest provocation. I tend to raise my voice at times, often when trying to dissuade him from pursuing something that will harm him. I grit my teeth in the middle of the night when I am awakened by his cries. I get utterly frustrated in the morning when I accidentally tip over a feeding bottles and spill the contents all over the bedroom floor. My son bears witness to his father's inability to control anger.

These seemingly minor actions will influence the way my son will grow emotionally. Often, I feel guilt at the thought that I have failed to break the cycle of anger that seems to run in our impatient blood. Am I passing on this rueful heritage onto my son? I pray to my God that he bless me with patient and a gentle heart. I pray that I would be able to hold true to my promise. I pray I will be strong enough to do all these and nurture my son to become a noble soul. I pray that I can be the father that my son will one day want to be like.

From my Inbox:


Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at an Elingsh uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht frist and lsat ltteer is at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae we do not raed ervey lteter by it slef but the wrod as a wlohe.

May mga gabing darating sa buhay mo na para bang napakahirap tapusin ng araw. Nandun ka na't hihiga na lamang nang mapansin mo ang kapirasong langit na tanaw mo mula sa binatana. Duon, hindi mo mapapansin ang ilang-libong mga talang ilang-bilyong milya ang layu sa iyo. Hindi mo alintana ang buwan na mapanglaw na nagmamasid sa mga tulad mong tinakasan na ng antok. Sa halip ay maaakit ka sa kawalan ng langit. Pagmamasdan mo ang kawalan na iyon hanggang sa maramdaman mong tila unti-unti ka nitong nilalamon. Parang may dalang kapayapaan ang kawalan na iyon. Sa gulo ng isip mo ay nanaisin mong maging bahagi ng mapayapang kawalan. Tititig ka sa langit hangang mapansin mong may kislot ng liwanag sa kung saang malayung sulok nito. Duon mo mapapansin, inabot ka na naman ng pag-gising ng mundo. Duon mo lamang mararamdaman ang antok. Habang magsisimula na namang gumalaw at magising ang karamihan ng 'sangkatauhan, ikaw nama'y makararamdam ng katahimikan. Duon ay ihihiga mo ang pagal mong katawan, and payapang isip at malungkot na dibdib. . . Hanggang sa muli kang hagkan ng kawalan.

Last Thursday, we were finally able to go to SM (all four of us!). My mom celebrated her birthday last Friday and we chose to celebrate last Thursday, that day being my day-off. We also took the opportunity to take Matthew on his first mall trip ever.

We got there at around 12 noon, so we immediately went to Max's after My wife bought Matthew a bottle of Gerber Chicken Noodle soup. After a hearty lunch we went around the shops. It was one of the rare times that I shopped with my mom. My wife helped her pick out and fit a few items, all while I tried to preoccupy our little toddler-to-be. He kept trying to get out of his stroller. I had to carry him a few times so he wouldn't get bored with his view. He likes it when I carry him, probably because he can see other people at eye-level.

We also got Matthew a few more feeding bottles. We've already sustained collateral damage from our frequent tussles over who gets to keep the bottle after he's fed. I usually concede, and he gets to play with his bottles. Unfortunately though, he fumbles with them and at times some have hit the floor pretty hard, enough to cause major cracks. Anyway, he seemed to like the ones we bought. I kept trying to wrestle them away from him so the plastic wrap (together with the price tag) on the feeding bottles would remain intact just until we get to the cashier to check them out.

A few more shops and we had to call it a day. After 4 hours of walking around, my feet were exhausted. Matthew had to improvise a few times by dozing off in his stroller. Before we left, I suggested we eat merienda at French Baker. We kind of lingered there for a while. My feet were killing me. After eating our meal, buying pandesal (yes! they now have pandesal at French Baker!) and a loaf of sourdough bread, we went on home to rest our tired feet.

That reminds me. Ever notice that all the ladies that work for SM are slim? Don't they just look fabulous in those slim uniforms? Try walking or standing 8 hours a day and you might be able to fit in one too.

I've been blogging for almost a year now. I have almost a thousand hits. That ain't much, but for me that's enough. I've made new friends along the way and renewed a few friendships. I've come to know myself better now that I've opened up to other people, some perfect strangers even. Blogging has been a great experience. It has empowered me to say what's on my mind and taught me how to temper my words. I would even say that it has a life of its own.

I am a happy blogger. I am a happy person. I am blest! :-D

It's one thing to steal something copyrighted. But copying blog posts is downright unforgivable. You would have to have the a brain equalling that of pond scum for you to resort to copying blog posts.

Here's great freeware you could try out [ found via Heather's blog]. It's compatible with Blogger and a lot of other Blog-publishng tools, so you can publish from your desktop to several different blogs. Check it out!

Sana, mas madaling mag-blog. Yung tipong talagang spontaneous. Baka sabihin n'yo, "Paano naman mangyayari 'yun, aber?"

Simple lang. Kapag pwede nang mag-blog mula sa utak mo. Tipong mala-Matrix na pwede kang kumonekta sa networks at ang ginagamit mong browser eh ang utak mo. Nga lang mas mataas ang pangarap ko. Mas maganda yun kung hindi ka na maghahanap ng hardwire connection at hindi mo na kailangan magsaksak ng kableng pang-T1 connection (anlaki nun!) dyan sa batok mo. Mas maganda kung wireless ang connection. 'Di ba? Tapos lahat ng mental note mo eh pwede mong i-post bilang entry sa blog mo.

Kailangan 'nga lang ng ingat sa parte mo. Kase baka lahat ng sikreto mo eh maisiwalat mo nang lahat. Baka pati ang seret ingredient mo sa sinigang sa bayabas na minana mo pa sa lola mo sa talampakan eh malaman ng madlang tao. Sayang, magagamit mong pang-impress sa dinidigahan mong chick yun!

Siguro nagtataka kayo kung baket naisip ko 'yan. Kasi naman sa araw-araw na lang na nilalang ng diyos, andami kong naiisip na isulat. Andami ko ring ideyang click naman talaga. Andaming pwedeng i-blog. Iba-ibang pagkakataon kung umatake ang inspirasyon. Kadalasan, sa jeep, ke traffic o mabilis ang takbo. Madalas din kung naglalakad, lalu na kapag depressed ka. Eh, 'naknangtortangtalong, kapag naharap ka na sa keyboard, parang usok na tinangay ng hangin yung mga naisip mo. Hindi mo maalala. Maski anggulo ng istoryang binalangkas mo ng pagkatagal-tagal sa nakayayamot na traffic eh biglang malilimot ng ganun-ganun na lang. Manghihinayang ka talaga sa tuwing mahaharap ka sa monitor. Tuloy, nauuwi sa chat ang lahat. Nasasayang tuloy ang talent ko (hehehe -- kung meron man).

O, s'ya. Mag-a-update pa ako ng buddy list. Baboosh! :c)

Ang kabiguan ay nakapanlulumo. 'Yan ang dahilan kung bakit sa una'y ayaw mong aminin ang katotohanan. Sa una'y pilit mong lalakasan ang loob mo. Kukumbinsihin mo na kahit gaano pa kahirap ang sinusuong mo'y may pag-asa. Pipilitin mo. Pipigain mo ang lahat ng natitirang pag-asa, hanggang sa mapagod ka at manlumo. Duon na unti-unting babalot sa iyo ang mapait na katotohan -- ang kabiguan ay nalalapit na. Pilit mong lalabanan ang mga luhang ngayo'y nag-uumpisang mamuo. Tila bang apoy ang bawat patak na pilit naghuhulagpos sa iyong mga mata.

Sa gitna ng magulong takbo ng isip mo'y biglang maaalala mo ang maliit na swiss knife sa bulsa mo. Pagdaka'y mararamdaman mo ang kamay mong unti-unting hinahaplos ang kinaroroonan nito. Bagama't naroroon ang pag-aalinlangan, kukunin mo ito ang illuwal mo ang pinakamalaking patalim nito. Pagdaka'y ilalapat mo ito. Doon, tila lalakas uli ang iyong pag-aalinlangan. Isang buntun-hininga ang pakakawalan mo, huling hinga ng lakas ng loob. Pagkatapos ay ilalapat mo na ang patalim at ihihiwa mo iyon ng madiin papuntang kanan. Mapapangiwi ka at titingin sa nagawa mo. Sa pagkabigla mo ay mapapasigaw ka ng ......"Taena, ang dami pa palang laman nito, pwede pang hanggang tatlong sipilyo!"

You must be wondering where I've been off to. I've been reading a book by Bob Ong the last couple of days. "Bob who?", you might say. Bob Ong was one of those authors who must've had a hard time getting his material published in traditional media. He was talented, but he didn't get the backing of a publisher. So, he regularly published his material online through his website www.bobongpinoy.com. The internet was just starting to gain popularity back then and in due time bobongpinoy.com
developed a loyal following from equally-deprived writers, aspiring writers and wannabe writers (my circle of friends). I found his website a couple of years ago I've been a fan eversince.

When the site went bust, the laughs stopped. I wasn't aware he went into writing books. Well, last week an officemate brought a copy and I ask if I could borrow it for a few days. The book is aptly titled, "A B N K K B S N P L A Ko?! - Mga Kuwentong Chalk ni Bob Ong."

Its a great book! It talks about life as a student, life as a teacher and life teaching us a thing or two about living. Had a lot of laughs while I was reading it! I'm considering buying it as a gift for a couple of friends (one of whom I haven't seen or heard of in a few years). The book just brought back a lot of memories, good and bad. Drawing parallels with my own life was unavoidable. It was so well written that I could relate to most of what he was saying.

Anyway, buy the book from the nearest National Bookstore. It's only Php 150.00. Cheap, considering the laughs you'll get out of it. If you're based in North America, a fellow fan (of Bob Ong) sells his books. Check out BobOngBooks.com. They even have autographed copies (not available in the Philippines). You can also check the resurrected (kung pang-ilang resurrection na ne'to, eh hindi ko alam) bobongpinoy.com. There are times that the site won't be there, but check every once and a while and you'll get a few funny surprises.

It saddens me that seemingly witty, intelligent people can be so mean to others. Here's a case in point. If only they'd use their talent in more positive pursuits.

"Don't tell me to stop crying please just hold me while I do.
Soothe me with your silence and just cradle me to you.
Don't push me for my reasons or expect me to explain.
How can I in five minutes shift a lifetime's hidden pain?"
-- Girlfriend, Julia Fordham

Sometimes, words won't do...

"If I smile and don't believe
Soon I know I'll wake from this dream
Don't try to fix me I'm not broken
Hello I'm the lie living for you so you can hide
Don't cry"
- HELLO, as performed by Evanescence

Often, we turn to others when the pain we feel is overwhelming. We feel the need for comfort, so we turn to other people for that comfort. But it is more often that we fail to realize the comfort we yearn must first come within ourselves. That unless we learn to forgive ourselves we will never know true comfort. And that is truly more painful than any reality you will have to come to terms with.

"Don't fix me because I'm not broken," powerful words indeed.