Solitude

It's been a while since I've had these episodic attacks of insomnia and depression. Last night was awful. I lay awake in bed for what seemed like hours. Though looking at my phone at the time it must've been around three hours before I finally dozed off.

During college, being surrounded by writers, activists and musicians, we had a term for this. It was the "i wanna curl up and die" syndrome. The 1990's were an in-between time that made for a confused generation of people trying to sort their feelings out. You had the vestiges of the New Wave melodramatic culture trying to resurface. The angst of the revived punk movement was rising from the ashes. The technology of the internet was just starting to influence how people used computers. I and my group of writers were torn between our DOS-based Wordstar and new-car-smell appeal of Windows 3.1. There were left-wing rallies everywhere. I was wearing anything from torn jeans, concert t-shirts, leather sandals, Vans skate shoes, Mao caps, eye glasses (nope, I had perfect vision). I wore my hair long. I was a jumble of contradictions.

Those times, as confusing as they were, were conducive to writing. Writers with extreme emotions are able to draw inspiration from them. So bouts of depression were almost always half-wanted. These days, my bouts of depression are unwanted. They come and bother me from time to time. Usually the images in my head range from saddening scenes of me in various stages of emotional and physical distress to morbid thoughts of an unspeakable degree. The vivid detail in my imagination had always been a blessing or a curse.

So last night was difficult. I was struggling. I couldn't sleep. I almost wept. I was pathetic. But it was a cycle I had to go through, I had to ride it out. And then I dozed off. I woke up feeling tired, a few hours of sleep not helping one bit. I found my little girl had strewn the floor with 4 different kinds of flash cards. Toys were all over the floor too. She was almost at a tantrum and when she saw I was awake kept asking me for her morning bath. It was time for her morning bath and she was adamant about keeping her schedule. As I picked up the flash cards and started sorting them to put them back in their designated cartons, I felt a little bit better. The domestic routine ground on you, but it was also comforting to feel needed. Belonging is one thing, but to feel needed is foremost in what every depressed person out there may be craving. To feel useless is be without purpose. And without purpose, what are we to world?

Derailed

So I started reading The Alchemist before last week ended. I was half-way through it in a matter of hours. However the convenience of the ebooks lined up and saved on my phone was just too hard to resist. I ended up reading a couple of pages on each of my breaks, then my pace gradually sped up again. I'm at least 80 pages into The Bourne Legacy. I've put The Alchemist on indefinite hold. Worst still is the fact that I've yet to start Cryptonomicon, just the kind of story a geek would naturally be drawn to.

Cryptonomicon had been on my line up of To Read's for a few weeks now along with Daemon. I just can't seem to pull away from the Bourne series. I'm just so into it right now that I've forgotten I was supposed to read the first three so I could compare notes when I watched the Bourne movies. But I'm stuck. I haven't read the other books I had lined up. I haven't watched the Bourne movies. I'm more or less increasing my pace into The Bourne Legacy and I'm blogging less (yes, I had posts I was planning to write up). Oh, well. It's best to go with the flow for a while. I'm still more or less a happy camper.

The Past Weeks Have Blurred Past

It seems that I keep going on a recurring cycle every now and then. I post sporadically often for a few weeks then suddenly go quiet.

Well, there's a reason. As most day jobs go, there are times that you really have to really work hard to get the results you want. It's been a busy 2 weeks for me, not because of added work, but because of tensions in the office.

Recently, our operations manager decided to give us extra tasks. We're now doing more QC (quality check) work on the work output that our agents do. Mostly its boring work, pulling long hours reviewing stuff. It's worthwhile work, though. We see where our guys could use some help or areas we could help them improve.

Then there's the part where you have to deal with people. We (collectively, me and my supervisors) have had to deal with really difficult people in the past month. A lot of fear mongering and whining has been going on and we can't really give them all the information we have. Speaking for myself, I come across a lot of information that explains why things are happening. But I am duty-bound not to disclose that to people who do not need to know. I can only share what I am allowed to speak about. Ironically, some of the higher up's are surprised that I sometimes get information earlier than they do. I have a secret weapon in my arsenal, and it's called Google-Fu ;-) Hehehe.

Anyway, tonight I'm staying home. My schedule got changed to 11 am instead of the night shift. I got a call yesterday morning from one of my supervisors asking if I could adjust my schedule to cover for another sup who was supposed to be working today. She filed for vacation time and was going to be out for the whole weekend. I said yes without hesitation. Tonight, before leaving the office, I talked to our shift manager and he told me he was in the office when my super called. He mentioned my super was all praises for me because I was always ready to take one for the team. That was in direct comparison to one other person in the team who always weaseled out of any schedule changes that didn't happen to suit his personal preferences. Hehehe - score one for me, yaay!

Now enough about work. I have been able to update my blogs here and there. Minor stuff, but it's coming along. Adding the Paypal Donate button on each of my blogs was the most major one. I also plan to do some more reviews for my tech blog. I haven't done those in a while and from the looks of my hits, it appears most of my Google clicks are coming from the last few reviews I did. I need to do some more of that. I'm actually lining up a mini-reviews of Puppy Linux, TinyMe 2008 and DreamLinux. And since I have old hardware that would make for interesting tinkering, I'm going to do a Part II of of my Vector Linux mini-review but focusing on how it will perform on a barely running Pentium II -266 MHz machine.

Now, to find time to do that...

Torn

It was a rough first day. Today was my wife's first day back at the office. My world was again jolted out of orbit because of the change in the schedules we had grown accustomed to in the last few months. I went to work, and she was there in the morning to welcome me home. This morning, she left early to get to work by 8am.

Sleep-deprived, I brought our son to the doctor this morning. He had been running a fever on and off since Saturday night. Doctor said he was having an episode of tonsillitis again. Weather was not helping at all. The heat was affecting him, but we had no choice but to make the commute to the hospital. We finally got home by 1:30 PM. His fever got worse. I had a hard time getting him to drink medicine. My baby girl wasn't in the mood either, she was crying whenever my mother (or I) put her back in her crib. As if in jest, she had no trouble sleeping whenever I rested her on my shoulder.

Two hours of sleep was all I managed. And I'm going to work tonight. This is going to be a long night. And tomorrow is going to be a long day. Sometimes, it seems I will never see the end of the week without trouble creeping up unexpectedly :-(

Between a Rock and a Hard Place

"We are extending the said amount to you as a financial asistance. I cannot go beyound what was being given to you as an act of goodwill. Sir,please consider that the PSG escort vehicle sustained damages which would entail govt expenses. Hindi ka na nila hahabulin dito. Thus, I cannot in all sincerity bind the PSG to accept liability when we feel they are not at fault. The amount we have been extending to you is fair and reasonable." -

That was Atty. Noy Santiago replying to my appeal that they consider offering more than the Php15,000 they initially referred to as "assistance" for the Php45,000 worth of damages to the car. I don't know how to reply to this. :-(

Christmas With the Family

Just got home from a mini-reunion of sorts. One of my cousins came home to the Philippines from Seattle. His mother cooked up a feast. I almost didn't go. I had gone to work last night and am on my way to work in a couple of hours. But I told myself, I haven't seen the guy in some 15 years. Might as well go see him.

We spent the better part of the day there chatting with relatives and eating the usual Kapampangan holiday fare. Cameras were all around. I still find it cheesy that the older generation (i.e. my mother, aunts and uncles) still joke about digital cameras running out of film. Before we said our goodbyes, we swapped phones numbers and promised we'd get together (the boys only) before my balikbayan cousin flew back to Seattle.

Ironically, my being a techie was no achievement as everyone but me had a Friendster account. I joked about being the only one without it and got an encouraging goading to get one to stay in the loop with all my cousins, their wives and 6th degrees. I just smiled back and cussed at myself for openly admitting I was an anti-social introvert in the social networking scene. I gave them my usual "you say tomato : I say tomahto" to-each-his-own speech and moved on to another topic. Even though I mostly sat around, ate and drank, I felt tired near the end of the afternoon. Upside was, I came home with a big smile on my face, a full belly and a warm fuzzy feeling from feeling connected - offline.

Pagninilay sa Gilid ng Swing

Sa paghahanap ko ng parking space kaninang tanghali, nagawi ako sa side park ng Bayanihan Park. Nasa gawing kaliwa ito ng main park kung ang punta mo ay sa SM o 'di kaya'y sa Main Gate ng Clark. May maliit na daan sa likuran nito na nasisilungan ng malalaking puno ng acacia. Dinala ko duon ang anak ko habang hinihintay namin ang misis ko na nagpatingin sa Gynecologist n'yang nagki-clinic ng 'di-kalayuan sa lugar na 'yon. Habang binabantayan ko si Matt sa kanyang palipat-lipat na pagsakay sa mga swing at slide, napansin ko na marami rin palang taong nagagawi du'n sa maliit na park na 'yon.

Malaki na kasi nagbago simula ng magbigay ng donation si Henry Sy para pagandahin ang lugar na bubungad sa mga mamimili na papuntang SM. Napaayos na ang Bayanihan Park, kumpleto pati landscaping at mini-playgrounds na nagkalat sa buong lawak ng park. Ang side park naman ay nakadikit sa gawing likuran ng napakahabang linya ng mga stalls na (sabi ng maraming taga-rito) eh kumukubli sa Fields Ave., ang daang dinadayo ng mga puti at banyagang naghahanap ng gudtaym.

Sa mga taong nagduon sa side park, karamihan ay nagpapalipas ng oras habang lunchbreak. May isang grupo ng estudyanteng nagaargumento tungkol sa kanilang assignment sa isang picnic table sa may 'di-kalayuan. Ang ibang kasamahan nila eh nakasakay sa mga swing at seesaw. May isang nag-iisang dalagang mukhang naiinip, nakaupo sa isa pang park table, hawak ang folder sa kaliwang kamay habang tila nakatingin sa kung saang napakalayung lugar.

May isang mamang nakaupo sa gilid ng malaking plant box. Nakasuot s'ya ng lumang di-kwelyong t-shirt at kupas na pantalong seda. May hawak s'yang mas kupas na payong. Panay ang paghimas n'ya sa kanyang noo at paghawak sa ilong. Malungkot ang mga mata n'ya at tila balisang palipat-lipat ang kanyang tingin sa likod at gawing kanan n'ya. May ibang ale't mamang kanya-kanya na ng pwesto sa pagtulog sa mga nagkalat na park bench at plant box. Mayroon ding grupo ng 5 batang may kanya-kanyang dalang sako na puno ng plastic at karton. Nag-aagawan sa sila sa mga swing sa may gawing kaliwa namin. Siguro, ito na ang lunch break nila. Todo laro, para maibsan ang gutom.

May isang tricycle din dumating, at nabigla ako ng nagbabaan ang laman n'yang anim na bata at mga magulang nila. Ang dalwang ale may kanya-kanya pang kalong na bata maliban du'n sa anim na nauna nang nagtakbuhan papunta sa mga swing. Ang mga asawa nila, may bitbit din. Ang isa may dalang kumot at maliliit na unan, marahil para sa mga bata kapag napagod na sila. Ang isa naman, may dalang Selecta Non-Stop sa kaliwang kamay at bitbit na medium bilao ng Susie's Pancit sa kanan.

Iba-ibang istorya, iba-ibang pinang-galingan, iba-ibang patutunguhan. Lahat kami may kanya-kanyang baon na pakahulugan sa lungkot. Lahat kami may kanya-kanyang ideya kung ano ang saya. May mas pinalad sa amin, may mas kaawa-awa. Pero iisa ang pinunta namin duon. Naghahanap kami ng masisilungan sa gitna ng kaguluhan ng syudad na ito.

Nang mag-text ang misis ko na pabalik na s'ya, inaya ko na si Matt. "Uwi na tayo.." ang sabi ko. Ngumiti s'ya. Mabuti pa ang mga bata, buo sa kanilang puso ang kahulugan ng kasiyahan. Tiyak sila kung ano ito.

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IMified's Changing My Life

Well, it isn't THAT profound a change. But imagine posting to Blogger, Wordpress or Typepad blogs..Posting to Jaiku, Tumblr or Twitter...Adding events to your Google Calendar...Adding links to you Del.icio.us list... All thru IM. The IM is powerful again ;-)

Awake...

I can't sleep. I should be. I had a long night. It was a challenge. It was emotionally draining to deal with the frustration of not knowing who was stabbing your back for personal gain. Some people just can't be pleased, no matter what you do. And incredibly stupid too. They are willing to risk the jobs of countless others to get their revenge. I need a drink, a stiff one... If only I still did.

My Day

It's ironic... Life is. I spend most of my working day motivating people to do a great job, encouraging them to perform better and achieve loftier career goals. I inspire them to do their best and I do a pretty good job. But here I am, not even capable of motivating myself. It's the classic situation, like the analogy that mostmechanics in this country have beat up 20-year old cars to show fortheir years of tinkering with the flashiest new cars. Or that of construction workers who spend the day building mansions go home to a single-room houses lighted by a single light bulb with a makeshift roof built from construction scraps. I am the ironic opposite of my vocation. I've been reduced to a fumbling fool, seeing the days speed by, dragging my feet as I go along.

In a fit of depression, I've sworn off spending. I cut up my last 2 credit cards. I'm going to try an life as frugal a life as I can. Seeing beggars on the streets make me so full of guilt it makes me sick to my stomach. I pity them. Seeing special children makes me feel lucky but bad for them. Riding the jeep everyday has made me fearful of seeing homeless people, because I can take seeing them suffer so needlessly on the cold hard streets while I see other people riding their obscenely expensive SUV's and beamers. I empathize too much, my wife complains. But I cannot change who I am. I feel guilt for everything that is wrong with this cruel world that we have. I sometimes think of all the bad and the good in my life and think why I am blest yet others suffer. Why does there have to be suffering all around us?

I have no answers. It is my belief no one does. There are too many why's it makes my head hurt just thinking about them. Irrational is what I have been today and I don't expect an improvement for a few days to come. I just console myself with the thought that this is just a phase I go through every now and then. Depression sucks. Too many thoughts, no answers forthcoming...