It's official. The countdowns have started. Everybody has them. The TV stations, radio stations, newspapers, shopping malls. . . You name it, they're counting down the days to Christmas.

At a time when everyone is happy and celebrating, I can't help but feel a tinge of sadness. Christmas is somewhat a sad time for me. My youngest brothers died December 1, 1997. It was tragic, since he was only 17 at the time. I was trying very hard to take care of him and my mother. It was a tough role to play. We had just lost our father to cancer and I was trying hard to fill his shoes. I was trying hard to provide for and be an example to a 17-year old brother the way the eldest of the brood have always done.

A few days before he died, our youngest was asking my to buy Christmas lights. He said it was already a sad Christmas without our father and Oliver. Oliver, the middle child, had died in October. He wanted to hang the lights with me. He told me it didn't matter if I bought the cheapest lights I could find. All he wanted were some lights to bring some cheer to our home. Little did I know that would be the last time I'd speak to my brother.

At his wake, I remember thinking it can always get worse. I was already filled with remorse at the things I know I should have done for him while he was still alive. I had lost my father and two brothers, all in same year. They had died a few months of each other. I feared I might lose my mother. She was so grief-stricken then, I was afraid to even mention the very names that I had grown with and loved -- the names of my father and brothers. That year it was a Christmas filled with awful grief, not cheer.

Today, I have every reason to be happy. My mother is still healthy enough to enjoy taking of her 2-month old grandson. I take care of them and my wonderful wife. We have a decent enough home with ample space. My wife and I both have jobs that pay the bills and afford us a few luxuries. All the more reason to be happy. But now I feel a tinge of grief. How can I be happy when so many suffer? So many people suffer a pain greater than that I have felt. Do I deserve to be happy?