I'm Still Human After All...

Friday night, I got word. A dear old friend died. After 2 weeks in a coma, she had succumbed.

For the last 2 days I had been trying to come to terms with myself. When I got the news, I was sad. Very sad. But no tears had come. In the years that have passed I had learned to steel myself against grief. I had forced myself to accept whatever disappointment, however big or small, and move on. I had to move on. The rest of the world either didn't care or didn't stop moving despite what I was feeling. I felt expendable an replaceable, nobody was going to stop to help me if I fell behind. I often told myself that whatever didn't kill me made me stronger. Well, the the last 2 days I was already questioning if I was still human. I asked myself if perhaps I had done too much of this rationalizing that I had succeeded in making myself numb and unfeeling.

Early today, driving to the market, I just said it out loud to my wife. "Namatay na si Maya." I didn't take my eyes off the road. She asked, "Kailan mo nalaman?" I replied, "Nung Byernes, pagkauwi natin" I steadied my grip on the wheel as felt a sudden emptiness fill me.

I had gone to work Thursday night. Friday morning, I had to pickup Matt at swimming practice. Then after that, we had to go to San Fernando to make our monthly mortgage payments. When afternoon came, I had to go back to work to do overtime on work that had to be finished to meet a deadline. By the time I got home, I had been awake 26 hours. That's when I read the text message. I had been sent earlier but I was too busy to have noticed it. I only read it when I got home. Over the last 2 days, I was busy with out usual weekend chores.

After saying that I knew as early as Friday night, and after my wife realized I hadn't talked about in the last 2 days, I finally cried. The sobs came on their own. I could barely hold the steering wheel straight as I drove. I just drove as I sobbed. I sobbed even worse when my wife put her arm around my shoulder to console me. I had to put my hand up to tell her I had to do this on my own. I had to grieve my loss my own way. As we approached the market, the sobs died down. I felt better knowing I could still grieve my loss.