An Open Letter To George W.

Dear Mr. President,

I would like to take this oportunity to thank you for visiting the Philippines. It is with great honor that we receive you. Please be assured that we will take any means necessary to ensure your safety and comfort.

Your safety is our utmost concern. Rightly so. We have no desire whatsoever to be subjugated like Iraq and Afghanistan. We plan to make your trip here as safe as possible. We've trained our airport police squads in bomb detection. Please be assured that the accidental blast in a NAIA building a few weeks ago was a learning experience. The sacrifice of the officers involved will not go to waste. We've trained our very first Light Reaction Company under the auspices of your military. Our pilots have also been having a ball doing exercises with your military pilots. Some did lament that you had far more superior aircraft that was the only thing they learned from the exercises. Maybe you could spare us a few more donations so we could spruce up our Air Force. We could use some of those 20-year old Hornets to replace our 40-year old Phantoms.

Those Hornets could do us a lot fo good in Mindanao. Speaking of Mindanao, we've been a gracious host to your covert ops teams there. They've helped us a great deal. Might I add sir that they really do kick some terribble "ass"! Together with our indominable pinoy foot soldiers-cum-bodyguards for the US soldiers, we've been successful in erradicating the Abu Sayyaf terrorists along with a considerable number of legitimate of muslim secessionists. That was a calculated move to target their potential recruiting efforts. I know that you will be proud to know that the move is in keeping with the tactics that your military taught ours -- that is, to kill a fly with a sledgehammer. That very same principle has worked miracles for our military in the last 50 or so years, save for bad press when the international community found out.

We have also spared no expense to make your 8-hour stay here as memorable as possible. Nevermind that the money we're spending could well feed a multitude of our slum-dwellers for a few weeks. They're a bunch of drugged-up junkies anyway. We're better of spending the money on decorations and a US$1,000 a plate dinner for you and your entourage. We've also arranged to import a few tons of pork rinds and pretzels from the US. We know that you like them so much. The deal will also foster closer economic ties between our respective countries.

There's alot riding on your visit. Exactly what, only our benevolent leaders know. Enjoy your visit here, sir! Mabuhay!