Have you ever wondered how it feels to be addicted?

Let me give you a hint of how it is. When I think of addictions, only one image comes to mind. It was a scene from the Rosanna Roces movie "Curacha - Ang Babaeng Walang Pahinga." In this particular scene, Curacha, the protagonist, enters a dimly lit hospital. There's a coup' de état going on in Manila and a blackout had just started. The hospital is filled with frantic medical personnel running to and fro the darkness. In the midst of the tense atmosphere, Curacha is calm, walking with a single purpose in mind -- to find her dealer. She finds him, a janitor of the hospital. Not the typical dealer, eh?

She dispenses with the formalities and asks the man for her pills. He's uneasy and tries to slink his way out of the conversation. He whispers that he no longer steals pills from the hospital. Curacha begs him for her weekly supply. He counters he only stole pills from the hospital supplies because he pitied her. Being a poor prostitute, she wouldn't be able to afford the prices of street dealers. The janitor tensely walks away, still apologetic, still mumbling he wasn't a drug dealer and that he was an honest man just trying to make ends meet.

Curacha suddenly feels how tired she is. She sits on an empty gurney. It has been a long night. She had been walking all night to get to the hospital. There were soldiers everywhere, yet she bravely walked through every checkpoint the government soldiers and the rebels had. She had done so, because she needed her pills. Her hope for relief had been shattered. She won't be getting any new pills. Her supply of uppers, downers and what-have-you’s were running low.

Right there and then, a voice-over runs her thoughts through to the audience. Curacha tells us about her addictions in the simplest of terms. She describes them according to her cravings. “Kapag masaya, gamot. Kapag malungkot, gamot. Kapag pagod, gamot. Kapag mag-isa ako, gamot. Kapag galit ako sa mundo gamot.” (When I’m ecstatic, I take a pill. When I'm down, I take a pill. When I’m tired, I take a pill. When I’m lonely, I take a pill. When I’m angry at the whole world, I take a pill.)

She then sees Jaqueline Jose's character, a former prostitue, and a drug addict like herself. She was Curacha's mentor in the trade. She has grown older than her years. As she approached the bed where she lay, Curacha realizes how the drugs have taken their toll on her. She did not recognize her. The only thing left that lit her up was her kind heart. She still spoke softly to Curacha, now a stranger in her eyes.

Fast forward -- the movie finishes with Curacha ending up in Luneta. She had taken the last of her horde. As the sun starts to shine, she slowly falls asleep on a bench. Her last thoughts were of where to get her pills tomorrow. She is found dead a few hours later on the same bench. Her face wears a tired, albeit peaceful expression. Her tired, tortured soul has finally found peace.

I too have my own addictions. I have struggled to rid myself of them. There is but one left. I still smoke. I found it easy to let go of my other addictions. It hasn’t been easy to quit smoking. Maybe because it is the last one? Maybe because it was, incidentally, the first one? What I do know is that it has its purpose in my life. Much like Curacha’s addiction, mine serves as an emotional crutch. I succumb to it because I find my peace in doing so, even if just for a fleeting moment.

I am aware that I am slowly killing myself. I fear death as much as the next man. Ten years of smoking is taking its toll on my young body (that is, if I am to still to be considered young). I feel it ravaging me slowly towards my grave. But like all addicts, I am helpless. I am lost. I do not know where to begin, yet again. And perhaps, I will feel as lost and as helpless until I meet my end. . .