I Hate Hospitals

This fact I do not hide to anyone. It may have something to do about my fears or my guilt. But that is another story.

2 am, my wife woke me up. There was a commotion in the street in front of us. I wake up just in time to hear my wife storm down the stairs and ask the kids outside what the heck was wrong. Apparently, their grandmother was having an asthma attack and their parents were nowhere to be found. Having overheard that, I scrounged up whatever pair of denim I could find, put them on, pocketed my wallet and got the car keys in under 5 minutes. The car was out the gate by the 8th minute. All this I did while I was still half-asleep. My mind was wandering and I was fighting hard to get myself to concentrate. My body sort of just moved automatically.

We got to the nearest hospital (a government-run one) and most of the nurses there just semi-ignored us. One of the nurses did stand up and approached my wife. He asked if she was Reggie's twin. She didn't even allow the volunteer nurse to finish the question and said yes. She then politely stated what she knew about the old woman's condition. It was the nurse in her that kicked in in these situations. He quickly wrote up a prescription and i went off to buy them. When I got back, the nurse was explaining Reggie had been his instructor in one of his classes. I asked my wife to excuse me, as I told her that the smell of hospital disinfectant gave me goosebumps and reviled me all at the same time.

I had to spend the next 3 hours going back and forth; buying meds (for the old lady), getting sandwiches (for my wife and me) and getting coffee (2 for me). When I wasn't doing that, I staked out the front of the hospital talking to the tricycle drivers about how frequent early morning patients were at this government hospital's ER. I also had some time to continue reading my ebooks when I got tired of the small talk. I ate a hotdog & bacon sandwich while I read Geek Mafia by Rick Dakan.

The old lady was discharged at around 5:30. My eyes were tired, my head heavy and I was looking forward to going home. When we got home though, I could not sleep. I am still awake and I'm hoping I won't be too sleepy tonight as I go to work. I have a few more hours to sleep, so see ya.

Dreams...

Dreams

Last night I had a dream. I rarely do, but recently I've been having
more and more of these strangely (seemingly) symbolic dreams.

I was in the office parking lot, admiring 2 cars I owned. Both looked
like 50's era classics. Both were the same make, but the older one
was black and the newer one was white. They didn't have white
sidewalls or chromed hubcaps, so they looked like halfway through
being restored. From where I was standing, I reminded myself that I
had brought them there after I had them filled up from a nearby gas
station and that it was time to get them home. I circled over to the
back of the parking lot trying to catch up with someone who was
walking away from me.

After circling, I suddenly found myself in the middle of a group of
vehicles (most likely a convoy) filled with military men. In the
middle of a group was a small bus that was being raised on giant jacks
for repair. Not finding the person I was looking for, I found myself
back on the front side of the parking lot nearest my cars. It had, by
then, been fenced off with material common to construction sites here.
Since it was made off of bamboo skin weaved like a giant mat, I was
able tear a hole and get to the other side. After moving to the other
side, the waning sunlight suddenly turned into the darkest night. A
few pale street lights loomed in the outer borders of the parking lot.
I saw a small yellow car leaving the lot, a one of my supervisors in
the back seat waving goodbye to me. I couldn't find my cars and I was
having second thoughts about waving them back to hitch a ride. A
moment of silence passed as I stood there.

I woke up. I felt empty, afraid and confused. I looked over to where
my wife and son were sleeping. Morning was about ready to break.
Dazed, I was trying to figure out why I felt so bad.

The last three days, I spent mostly at home or running errands. The
last three days went by like a blur. I lost track of time, kept
forgetting things and constantly worried about my son and my wife's
condition. My mind wouldn't stop churning out morbid thoughts, running
worst case scenarios. I was preoccupied with thoughts of my mortality,
philosophical and otherwise.

I feel like breaking down, again...

Grasping at Straws

Last Tuesday, we went to neuro-developmental pediatrician to have my son evaluated. She didn't mince words and said my son had autism. I've been trying to deal with it all ever since.

I'm sick to death about worrying, with another child on the way. I hate being a burden on others, a trait that's been part of me ever since. And I keep worrying how my children will fare after my wife and I pass.

Things have been rough (emotionally) for me the past three days. I kept trying to deal with the frustration and guilt. I'm at a loss. I don't know how to get past this.

Getting Green on Computing

I've been following a lot of news about conserving energy lately. I
feel a tinge of guilt that the PC I'm using is contributing to
generating more greenhouse gases. It's not so efficient, is why.
That's why I've been looking at some sites that sell power-saving PCs.
Given that these PCs aren't that powerful, they are adequate for most
of the common things we do with PCs. I'm not really editing videos or
pics, so I guess a 1GHz machine is powerful enough.

The DSL (Damn Small Linux) Bargain machine is a good example of what I
would want. You can check it here:
http://www.damnsmalllinux.org/store/Mini_ITX_Systems/Mini_ITX_BareBones_Computer.
It runs on less than 30 watts of power. A 14-inch TV probably sucks
more juice than this baby. It accomplishes such a low power draw by an
ingenious combination of parts. It has a low-power motherboard and a
fanless chip, flash storage (no moving parts, less energy needed), and
an operating system that's frugal on RAM. Its only $245, plus $75 for
the 1GB flash drive with DSL already installed. If only this thing
could be shipped to the Philippines! I'd love to get one for
Christmas!

Pagninilay sa Gilid ng Swing

Sa paghahanap ko ng parking space kaninang tanghali, nagawi ako sa side park ng Bayanihan Park. Nasa gawing kaliwa ito ng main park kung ang punta mo ay sa SM o 'di kaya'y sa Main Gate ng Clark. May maliit na daan sa likuran nito na nasisilungan ng malalaking puno ng acacia. Dinala ko duon ang anak ko habang hinihintay namin ang misis ko na nagpatingin sa Gynecologist n'yang nagki-clinic ng 'di-kalayuan sa lugar na 'yon. Habang binabantayan ko si Matt sa kanyang palipat-lipat na pagsakay sa mga swing at slide, napansin ko na marami rin palang taong nagagawi du'n sa maliit na park na 'yon.

Malaki na kasi nagbago simula ng magbigay ng donation si Henry Sy para pagandahin ang lugar na bubungad sa mga mamimili na papuntang SM. Napaayos na ang Bayanihan Park, kumpleto pati landscaping at mini-playgrounds na nagkalat sa buong lawak ng park. Ang side park naman ay nakadikit sa gawing likuran ng napakahabang linya ng mga stalls na (sabi ng maraming taga-rito) eh kumukubli sa Fields Ave., ang daang dinadayo ng mga puti at banyagang naghahanap ng gudtaym.

Sa mga taong nagduon sa side park, karamihan ay nagpapalipas ng oras habang lunchbreak. May isang grupo ng estudyanteng nagaargumento tungkol sa kanilang assignment sa isang picnic table sa may 'di-kalayuan. Ang ibang kasamahan nila eh nakasakay sa mga swing at seesaw. May isang nag-iisang dalagang mukhang naiinip, nakaupo sa isa pang park table, hawak ang folder sa kaliwang kamay habang tila nakatingin sa kung saang napakalayung lugar.

May isang mamang nakaupo sa gilid ng malaking plant box. Nakasuot s'ya ng lumang di-kwelyong t-shirt at kupas na pantalong seda. May hawak s'yang mas kupas na payong. Panay ang paghimas n'ya sa kanyang noo at paghawak sa ilong. Malungkot ang mga mata n'ya at tila balisang palipat-lipat ang kanyang tingin sa likod at gawing kanan n'ya. May ibang ale't mamang kanya-kanya na ng pwesto sa pagtulog sa mga nagkalat na park bench at plant box. Mayroon ding grupo ng 5 batang may kanya-kanyang dalang sako na puno ng plastic at karton. Nag-aagawan sa sila sa mga swing sa may gawing kaliwa namin. Siguro, ito na ang lunch break nila. Todo laro, para maibsan ang gutom.

May isang tricycle din dumating, at nabigla ako ng nagbabaan ang laman n'yang anim na bata at mga magulang nila. Ang dalwang ale may kanya-kanya pang kalong na bata maliban du'n sa anim na nauna nang nagtakbuhan papunta sa mga swing. Ang mga asawa nila, may bitbit din. Ang isa may dalang kumot at maliliit na unan, marahil para sa mga bata kapag napagod na sila. Ang isa naman, may dalang Selecta Non-Stop sa kaliwang kamay at bitbit na medium bilao ng Susie's Pancit sa kanan.

Iba-ibang istorya, iba-ibang pinang-galingan, iba-ibang patutunguhan. Lahat kami may kanya-kanyang baon na pakahulugan sa lungkot. Lahat kami may kanya-kanyang ideya kung ano ang saya. May mas pinalad sa amin, may mas kaawa-awa. Pero iisa ang pinunta namin duon. Naghahanap kami ng masisilungan sa gitna ng kaguluhan ng syudad na ito.

Nang mag-text ang misis ko na pabalik na s'ya, inaya ko na si Matt. "Uwi na tayo.." ang sabi ko. Ngumiti s'ya. Mabuti pa ang mga bata, buo sa kanilang puso ang kahulugan ng kasiyahan. Tiyak sila kung ano ito.

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