SuSE

I finally burn the CDs right Now I have SuSE in my PC. Bad side though is that I can't get the darn thing to display right. The picture on my monitor has the right width on top but gets smaller as it goes down. It gives me a warped display, kinda shaped like a cup.  Still can't trace the cause though.  All of the other  distros I'e tried all detected my monitor just fine. SuSE may well be an exception this time around. Its a bit of a downer though, since I was looking forward to test driving this thing for the last least 2 weeks. Bummer. If I can't get this to work, I'll probably go back to Ubuntu, no that that is a bad thing. I kind of miss Ubuntu already actually.  Ubuntu is relatively painless compared to this - LOL. That maybe a bit unfair to say., buck heck I'm subjective to the matter. I love Ubuntu!

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Daysleeper Ed
Registered Linux User # 398135

Borked

I was supposed to intall SUSE 10.0 on my PC over the weekend. I finally downloaded the ISO of disc number five last Sunday. In my haste, I forgot to check the Md5sums of the discs four and five. When I started the install, I was impressed at how graphic the installer was. Linux has come a long way from the old commandline days. As always, whenever presented with the option, I chose to check the media. Not all Linux installers come with this. Most RPM-based distros do, as far as I've noticed.

Anyway, disc two came out wrong. I was hoping that the scratch on the surface was only superficial. I was wrong. Turns out that 'minor' scratch made disc two officially unusable. Disc four also turned up a wrong Md5sum . That made me think about checking the Md5sums for all the images. Turned out number 4's ISO was wrong. Now, I'm downloading the thing again from scratch.

To make matters worse, I ran our of CD-Rs. I'm too lazy to go to my suking tindahan, too cheap to buy from this store nearby and too sleepy to make the right decisions. I pretty much screwed things up the past few days. And then to top it all off (the idiocy, I mean), I gave in and smoked a cigarette this morning. Arghhhh! What must I do to be rid of this curse ?!?!

**sigh** Life goes on...

Feeling Like Crap

 

I won't hide tha fact from you my reader, I just feel like crap.

 

First off, I had a bad weekend. I couldn't really do the stuff I wanted to. I spent the whoel weekend just basically coughing my guts out. I was supposed to be cured by the time I finished the meds that were prescribed to me. I was done with them Thursday last week. It seemed the coughing got worse after that. My throat basically feels like it's been gagged with sandpaper. I had to go to work tonight just to get a consultation with the company doctor. My real doctor won't be around until tomorrow afternoon.

 

Monday morning, I woke up early to do the laundry. Finished early, so I went to get my rice from the office. I was rushing all the way because I wanted to catch the company service to save 12.50 in jeepney fare. Got the rice, went back home, and started to leave when the missus and I had a sort of 'silent argument'. That sort of no-words-all-body-language sort of argument. We had a brief exchange the night before. It consisted of two sentences for each of us. I let it go, but I was pissed off. I didn't get to say what I wanted to. So the next morning, we had that 'silent argument' thing going. Still angry over the whole affair, I pressed the clean laundry, which incidentally she complained about the previous night.

 

After that was done, I tried to sleep. Since I was still coughing so much, I didn't get any. Coffee is all that's keeping me running now. Argh! Three hours more before I can leave the office.

 

To top it all off, this is my third day without a cigarette. My insides feel like crap, like they always do when I try to quit. Sometimes the shaking and sweating scare me. But that's about it. The rest of the way, its all psychological. Actually, that's the toughest part. You just want to grab a cig when the emotional stress piles up. Like right now...

Dreams

In the dead of the night, I woke up from a dream, in tears. I had not known such sadness could ever be awakened within me again. I was a deep, sorrowful emotion that welled-up inside of me, all because I had a dream. A dream of a child I never had.

It played like a scene from a theatre act. All around me was nothing but white, like one of those stage play acts that have bare decorations to engage the audience to use their imagination to "set the stage". Well, everything that was not within an arm's reach was white anyway. But in the back of my head, I thought I was riding a bus. Destination unknown. There were no words uttered during this trip.

Seated beside me was my wife, though for the duration of the dream I did not even glance her way. My gaze was intent on the two old ladies seated in front of us and this child I was carrying in my arms. She was about a year-old, contented smile on her face, adorable pudgy cheeks and sleepy eyes. One of the old ladies was looking back at me. I propped up the baby so she could face me. She stood on my lap, my hands holding her up by her sides for balance. As I looked at her, all I could feel was a longing for her, as if it were the last time I would see her. I then looked at her eyes intently for a fleeting moment and then gave her to the old lady. It was then that the I started crying. I was feeling so sorry for myself, so miserable that I choked a bit and woke up. The tears did not stop though. My rational now-awake mind took over and I told myself not to fight the tears. I realized it was a dream and chose not to resist the torrent of confusing emotions whirling in my head. Instead, I let them run their course.

I can only wonder what it all means. They say dreams mirror our subconscious. Others say its our subconscious literally talking to our consciuos mind, giving it cryptic messages to make it realize something.

Maybe it has something to do with two things I have been thinking about lately. First off, I've always told friends I wouldn't want to have a daughter. They always laugh but I am serious about it. Don't get me wrong - I'm not sexist. I have different reasons for wishing that. I am such a dictator. I would like to spare her from a terrible fate of having me as a father. I really do think I would be a curse to any young lady that would be my daughter.

Another thing that has crossed my mind lately is the question of having a second child (at all). Right now, I'm doing terrible. I sometimes feel that living with me is a curse I wouldn't want to wish on anyone else. In most situations, I am impulsive and temperamental. I shout a lot when I get riled by my sons excited shouts and running around. Heck, at least the kid has an excuse for shouting. He's a kid. And aren't people supposed to bring a child into the world so they could raise them up into intelligent, mature and proper God-fearing individuals? I'm doing a bad job in that area too.

So, I am having second thoughts about having a second child at all. The tears from my dream seems to weigh as heavy as those two thoughts have. I have had no peace in my heart to speak off in the last week and a half. My only reprieve has been working at the office at night, occassionally clowning around with my officemates. Its a good thing i don't have bigger work responsibilities. I don't do well under emotional stress. Without the laughter, I'd have gone crazy already. These issues I have really make my heart heavy with grief. I am torn between what I would love to have and what I fear I might not be ready to handle.