Last night I confessed to my wife. In the last month, I smoked a few times. By a few, I mean less than 10. She didn't take it so well. I tried to explain it to her. I tried to tell her that this was how it was, that dealing with an addiction wasn't easy. I told her that there were days when you'd feel like the most invincible quitter of all time and that there were days when you were very vulnerable. I told her that my addiction was going to be with me till the day that I die and that I would have to fight it every single day of it. I tried to tell her how difficult It was, to describe in so many words how hard it was to carry such a heavy burden. I knew cigarettes kill. I knew what damage they could do. There were just tmes that I couldn't stop myself. Cigarette smoke already tastes stale to me, a proof that my body has gotten over the addiction that had caused terrible withdrawal symptoms. What remains is the psychological addiction that I have in my head. It is a much more formidable foe, so much more stronger that anything I've ever gone against.

Maybe that's why I've been obsessing about building computer. My subconscious was trying to save me from my own conscious thoughts, filling my head with thoughts of building something. I missed a lot of opportunities to smoke because of that preoccupation with technology.

As expected, she didn't take it so well. She launched into a lecture of her own, increasing my frustration. I had let her down. I already knew that. My wife's enunciation of that fact furthered my guilt. In the end, after all the words she still could (or would ) not understand. I can't blame her. She won't be able to unless she goes through the same thing. I knew of the consequnces of my actions. My father died of smoking. So did my grandafather. I was well aware of the dangers.

After saying her piece, she left me all alone in our room. I cried in sheer frustration. I felt so lonely during those five long minutes that I cried. When she came back, the tears were gone. She put her arm around me. Though I knew she wanted to comfort me, I didn't feel comforted. As was my nature in times of crisis, I was withdrawn. I took her arms from my shoulder and I stood up. I went to get a shower.

When I got to the shower, I just stood there. No thoughts crossed my head. I just stared at the wall for what must've been a long time. I was startled when my wife called. She must've noticed that I've been in there a while. I started to shower and was disappointed that it failed to help me relax my tense feelings. Taking showers have always helped me feel better. Last night, it didn't. At that point I was depressed. I just got dressed and went on to work without much thought or motive. The night wore on, as if it were endless...

This is madness! I'm still no less obsessed about building a computer. It actually feels like its building momentum. I want it so bad I can smell it, or so the saying goes.

If other men use the Internet to view porn, I use it to view reviews. If other men use the Net to look at centerfold pics, I use it to ogle at pictures of motherboards, cpu's, cooling fans, case mods, the works. I'm infected with technolust, no doubt. I even dropped by a local store and got an updated pricelist today. So far though, I've only saved enough to buy a decent PC case, floppy drive and and modem. I'm postponing buying anything because by the time I finally get the money together, better and cheaper alternatives might be available. In the past six months the price of components, save for the CPU's, have actually gone down. CPU's are now more expensive than they were six month ago. In comparison, the other fairly expensive parts have gone done by a couple of hundred since then.

Most of the articles I've read have actually set a minimum budget of Php 30,000 for a budget rig. Others still set a budget of Php 20,000 for an el cheapo rig. I'm aiming for somehing in between, about 25K. I don't think I'll be geting there any time soon. I'm tempted to use my credit card, but every bone in my body shivers at the thought of having to slave away at the keyboard to be able to make credit payments every month. Even with a deferred payment plan, the interest still comes to about a fifth of what I charge. That's steep. I think I will have to go the old-fashioned way -- the piggy bank way!

It's depressing to read about what suffering children in this age are going through. Even tougher still to reconcile that the world isn't evil, but rather those who inhabit this parched earth. Read this article from ABC News and this webpage about the suffering children of Central Asia. Made me feel a tinge of guilt that I've been griping about difficulties in my life when they're so trivial as compared to the fate other people (children at that!) have to suffer :'-((

I'm obsessing again. Is there such a word -- obsessing? Anyway, I've really, really, really got gnawing thought that I can't seem to shake. I've been thinking a about building a computer. It's not an entirely novel idea, nor is it a new one. I've given thought to it a few times in the past few years. I haven't really done it just yet.

Lately though, the idea seems stuck in my head. I think about it all the time. while riding the jeep, while watching the news, before I go to sleep. Do you personally know a sane person that thinks about motherboards before he goes to sleep? This is crazy!

Whatever I do, I can't stop thinking about it. I've spent countless coffee breaks reading reviews of components, searching for the right motherboard and checking prices online. I even subscribed to an online store's mailing list to get a weekly update on prices. I've started to frequent a pinoy techie site to brush up on the subject. I've emailed articles to numerous friends, asking their opinion about which parts would strike a balance between price and functionality. I feel like I know a lot more now, theoritically that is.

It's not like we could afford one right now. Between my son's educational plan and the residential lot we're paying for, we aren't really saving that much. Whatever is left is put in the bank. My money is no longer mine these days. Its part of a common fund -- LOL. Our fund. Sometimes, that makes me feel, I dunno, deprived (?) Having given up the power to decide what I could do with money I earn, I feel "deprived", like I'm helpless. Ego issue? Yeah, maybe. I think I need to re-evaluate my ego. It's getting the best of me, overshadowing the obvious fact.

A computer could wait...No, it should wait. It's a want rather than a need. And as rational thought would have it, I should think less about it and devote the rest of my dying braincells to more noble pursuits. The problem is how to stop thinking about it. Darn. I'm obsessing alright.

Looks like 2004's going to be a big year for portable music. Apple's soaking up a lot of press lately after it launched the iPod Mini at the latest Macworld Expo.

On the other side of the spectrum, amidst the slew of multi-gigabyte hardrive players, Sony is struggling to keep the Minidisc format alive. It did a pretty good job by the looks of it. It recently unveiled the Hi-MD.

What a way to start the year. I wonder if it'll be harder to copy music when these babies become more proliferate.

A few days ago, I had the chance to read all the emailed newsletter that I subscribed to. Haven't had any time to do that lately. I came across an article written by Penelope Trunk. You can read that article here: Working Through Grief

I couldn't help but respond to th article, so I sent her an email (copied below).

"I've been putting off reading all of these emailed articles that I'ved subscribed to, having prioritized all of the work-related email first. It's been a busy holiday season for us and by the looks of your December 29 article, you've probably have an idea what I do for a living."

"I find myself writing to you because I feel the need to say that I understand your grief. I'm no stranger to it myself. Back in 1997, I lost three members of my family. My father died of cancer April of that year. Six months to the day, my younger brother died of a heart attack. He had just turned 20 years old two weeks before his death. On December 1, my youngest brother died at 17. The Christmas of '97 was the saddest that I knew. "

"My mother was stircken with grief for such a long time. I was trying to deal with my own grief my way, basically trying to numb myself by engaging in reckless behavior. I didn't know how else to deal with it. Nothing seemed to comfort us. Seeing each other only seemed to remind us that we were was was left of our family -- just the two of us. We rarely talked about it, maybe because bringing up the subject was such a painful experience. "

"Looking back at the experience today, I know I've learned 2 things. First is that grief can be debilitating. Ignoring it only seems to make it worse. Facing it is such a painful but necessary exercise. The second is that in our desire to deal with it, we must be willing to open up and talk about it. I've talked about my grief sparingly in the last 6 years. I've recounted the ordeal to a handful of people. I still find it difficult at times. "

"I just want to say that you've done a great thing, talking about your grief at such a difficult time. I admire you for that. May God bless us all. Sincerely, Ed "

I was surprised that she replied 45 minutes after I emailed her. For a reader like me, receving such a fast response from a writer I read was a warm surprise. Her reply was both heart-warming and encouraging...

"Hi Ed, Thank you for taking the time to write. I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. I have three
brothers, and I can't imagine how I would get through what you have pulled yourself through. I
appreciate you writing the story, though. There is something very human and real about hearing
about peoples' most difficult times. I hope that each Christmas is easier for you. Best, Penelope"

I replied back that I would post this on my blog to share it (in turn) with everyone that reads my blog.

Here's an article by Dayana Yochim that's sure to whet your appetite for fastfood: Real Meal Steals

The Christmas season is now officially at a close. We can now start the drudgery we will call 2004. Hmmmm.... I wonder if there'll be anything good to look forward to this year.

There's the presidential elections for starters, but I doubt it'll bring any good to us. The actor will probably win, and we'll be right where we started 4 years ago. His running mate is hoping to do another Gloria -- meaning, she's running for VP in the hopes of ascending to the presidency.

Then there're friends. I recently renewed ties with a long-lost friend. It saddened me to discover she's now abroad and I didn't even get to see her before she went. I haven't seen her in 12 years, but at least were emailing each other now. Another friend is coming home mid-2004 and I will get to see her youngest daughter for the first time. Then there's my son's birthday 2nd birthday. That'll be something good to look forward to as well.

Then there's Christmas. Yes, this early people are already thinking about the next Christmas. It simply the happiest season of the whole year. The rest of the year is just a bunch of ho-hum days sprinkled with a few significant dates like birthdays, anniversaries and such. The Christmas season in the Philippines starts around September and usually means there'll be money to spend (bonuses, actually) and money to be made (selling to people with bonuses). Christmas also means simbang gabi, family reunions, balikbayan boxes and aguinaldo for the kids. Christmas (in this country at least) has become a symbol of prosperity at the end of a year of turmoil. That's why I think of the next Christmas when they wish me a "Prosperous New Year" during New Year's Eve. Ironically, it's the only prosperous time of the year.

Check out Time Magazine's list of 2003's Coolest Inventions. My personal Favorite? Dean Kamen's Water Purifier. What could be more cool(er) than an invention that has the potential to save lives.

It's just another New Year's Eve... Just another Auld Lang Syne... Except this year, I'm working.


Have a Happy New Year!