It's my son's birthday tomorrow. Tomorrow he turns one. Tomorrow is the start of a whole new phase in his life. Starting tomorrow, there will be no turning back.

I am, as usual, fretting. It's not so much the birthday, or the party. It's the symbolic meaning of it all. Boys grow up so fast. Often, fathers think all too soon. Boys grow and sometimes they don't look back. Everyday with my son is a constant struggle for me. I've tried very hard to keep a promise I made to myself when I was younger. I promised myself I wouldn't be anything like my father. I told myself that I'd be a better father than my own father. That promise is turning my life into a struggle.

I feel the joy of being a father. But at the same time, I also feel the swell of my emotions at the slightest provocation. I tend to raise my voice at times, often when trying to dissuade him from pursuing something that will harm him. I grit my teeth in the middle of the night when I am awakened by his cries. I get utterly frustrated in the morning when I accidentally tip over a feeding bottles and spill the contents all over the bedroom floor. My son bears witness to his father's inability to control anger.

These seemingly minor actions will influence the way my son will grow emotionally. Often, I feel guilt at the thought that I have failed to break the cycle of anger that seems to run in our impatient blood. Am I passing on this rueful heritage onto my son? I pray to my God that he bless me with patient and a gentle heart. I pray that I would be able to hold true to my promise. I pray I will be strong enough to do all these and nurture my son to become a noble soul. I pray that I can be the father that my son will one day want to be like.

From my Inbox:


Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at an Elingsh uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht frist and lsat ltteer is at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae we do not raed ervey lteter by it slef but the wrod as a wlohe.

May mga gabing darating sa buhay mo na para bang napakahirap tapusin ng araw. Nandun ka na't hihiga na lamang nang mapansin mo ang kapirasong langit na tanaw mo mula sa binatana. Duon, hindi mo mapapansin ang ilang-libong mga talang ilang-bilyong milya ang layu sa iyo. Hindi mo alintana ang buwan na mapanglaw na nagmamasid sa mga tulad mong tinakasan na ng antok. Sa halip ay maaakit ka sa kawalan ng langit. Pagmamasdan mo ang kawalan na iyon hanggang sa maramdaman mong tila unti-unti ka nitong nilalamon. Parang may dalang kapayapaan ang kawalan na iyon. Sa gulo ng isip mo ay nanaisin mong maging bahagi ng mapayapang kawalan. Tititig ka sa langit hangang mapansin mong may kislot ng liwanag sa kung saang malayung sulok nito. Duon mo mapapansin, inabot ka na naman ng pag-gising ng mundo. Duon mo lamang mararamdaman ang antok. Habang magsisimula na namang gumalaw at magising ang karamihan ng 'sangkatauhan, ikaw nama'y makararamdam ng katahimikan. Duon ay ihihiga mo ang pagal mong katawan, and payapang isip at malungkot na dibdib. . . Hanggang sa muli kang hagkan ng kawalan.

Last Thursday, we were finally able to go to SM (all four of us!). My mom celebrated her birthday last Friday and we chose to celebrate last Thursday, that day being my day-off. We also took the opportunity to take Matthew on his first mall trip ever.

We got there at around 12 noon, so we immediately went to Max's after My wife bought Matthew a bottle of Gerber Chicken Noodle soup. After a hearty lunch we went around the shops. It was one of the rare times that I shopped with my mom. My wife helped her pick out and fit a few items, all while I tried to preoccupy our little toddler-to-be. He kept trying to get out of his stroller. I had to carry him a few times so he wouldn't get bored with his view. He likes it when I carry him, probably because he can see other people at eye-level.

We also got Matthew a few more feeding bottles. We've already sustained collateral damage from our frequent tussles over who gets to keep the bottle after he's fed. I usually concede, and he gets to play with his bottles. Unfortunately though, he fumbles with them and at times some have hit the floor pretty hard, enough to cause major cracks. Anyway, he seemed to like the ones we bought. I kept trying to wrestle them away from him so the plastic wrap (together with the price tag) on the feeding bottles would remain intact just until we get to the cashier to check them out.

A few more shops and we had to call it a day. After 4 hours of walking around, my feet were exhausted. Matthew had to improvise a few times by dozing off in his stroller. Before we left, I suggested we eat merienda at French Baker. We kind of lingered there for a while. My feet were killing me. After eating our meal, buying pandesal (yes! they now have pandesal at French Baker!) and a loaf of sourdough bread, we went on home to rest our tired feet.

That reminds me. Ever notice that all the ladies that work for SM are slim? Don't they just look fabulous in those slim uniforms? Try walking or standing 8 hours a day and you might be able to fit in one too.

I've been blogging for almost a year now. I have almost a thousand hits. That ain't much, but for me that's enough. I've made new friends along the way and renewed a few friendships. I've come to know myself better now that I've opened up to other people, some perfect strangers even. Blogging has been a great experience. It has empowered me to say what's on my mind and taught me how to temper my words. I would even say that it has a life of its own.

I am a happy blogger. I am a happy person. I am blest! :-D

It's one thing to steal something copyrighted. But copying blog posts is downright unforgivable. You would have to have the a brain equalling that of pond scum for you to resort to copying blog posts.

Here's great freeware you could try out [ found via Heather's blog]. It's compatible with Blogger and a lot of other Blog-publishng tools, so you can publish from your desktop to several different blogs. Check it out!

Sana, mas madaling mag-blog. Yung tipong talagang spontaneous. Baka sabihin n'yo, "Paano naman mangyayari 'yun, aber?"

Simple lang. Kapag pwede nang mag-blog mula sa utak mo. Tipong mala-Matrix na pwede kang kumonekta sa networks at ang ginagamit mong browser eh ang utak mo. Nga lang mas mataas ang pangarap ko. Mas maganda yun kung hindi ka na maghahanap ng hardwire connection at hindi mo na kailangan magsaksak ng kableng pang-T1 connection (anlaki nun!) dyan sa batok mo. Mas maganda kung wireless ang connection. 'Di ba? Tapos lahat ng mental note mo eh pwede mong i-post bilang entry sa blog mo.

Kailangan 'nga lang ng ingat sa parte mo. Kase baka lahat ng sikreto mo eh maisiwalat mo nang lahat. Baka pati ang seret ingredient mo sa sinigang sa bayabas na minana mo pa sa lola mo sa talampakan eh malaman ng madlang tao. Sayang, magagamit mong pang-impress sa dinidigahan mong chick yun!

Siguro nagtataka kayo kung baket naisip ko 'yan. Kasi naman sa araw-araw na lang na nilalang ng diyos, andami kong naiisip na isulat. Andami ko ring ideyang click naman talaga. Andaming pwedeng i-blog. Iba-ibang pagkakataon kung umatake ang inspirasyon. Kadalasan, sa jeep, ke traffic o mabilis ang takbo. Madalas din kung naglalakad, lalu na kapag depressed ka. Eh, 'naknangtortangtalong, kapag naharap ka na sa keyboard, parang usok na tinangay ng hangin yung mga naisip mo. Hindi mo maalala. Maski anggulo ng istoryang binalangkas mo ng pagkatagal-tagal sa nakayayamot na traffic eh biglang malilimot ng ganun-ganun na lang. Manghihinayang ka talaga sa tuwing mahaharap ka sa monitor. Tuloy, nauuwi sa chat ang lahat. Nasasayang tuloy ang talent ko (hehehe -- kung meron man).

O, s'ya. Mag-a-update pa ako ng buddy list. Baboosh! :c)