People come up with everything. I recently took a test to determine how “gay” I was. The test showed I was 26% gay and I was advised to loosen up a bit, since most women just dig “sensitive” men.

Hmmm… maybe this is just the beginning. Maybe I should take that test that’ll show what kind of bitch I am. On second thought, maybe not. If I take the test, that means I admit to being a bitch boy. I’ve always felt “bitch boy” was oxymoronic. I’m not about to admit I’m one. That got me thinking. I may take the slut test one of these days. However, "slut boy" is pretty oxymoronic too. I'll take a cue from Deuce Bigalow and scour the web for tests that find out if I'm acting like a "man-whore" flaunting my "man-gina".

On the other hand, if I take the Buddhist route and try to find out what breed of Dog or what kind of monkey I am, I might just gain some insight on how to enlighten myself and transcend my earthly suffering. Or I could maybe get to know my aura better and empower my chakra towards eternal bliss. Ah! Nirvana may not be too far off.

But wait! I just remembered I aced the >"How Evil Are You" test. I'm a regular Sauron now. Maybe it's too late for me :-(

I got this in my mail. It’s so hard to be a bad guy. All that hard work and still they don’t get the appreciation they deserve – LOL. Let's all hear it for Sauron!!! *whooo, whooo* :-D

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Ok, finally we hear from the evil lord himself...

Good evening, mortals. I'd like to introduce myself. I'm Sauron, the Lord of the Rings.

Caught the title, did you? I should expect so. Most of you idiots might remember the title to the movie with Frodo, Legolas, and/or Aragorn in it. Which is why we're going to have a little conversation.

*I* am the Lord of the Rings. Not some midget with hairy feet and blue eyes the size of saucer plates. Not some pretty boy with pointy ears and a blond wig. Not some loser king-turned-ranger-turned-king badly in need of a haircut and a shave. Me. Sauron. The Deceiver. The real
honest-to-Tolkien Lord of the Rings.

I don't mean to complain. I'm glad you came to see my movie. But you seem to have lost focus. The bloody movie is named after ME!! It's not "Midget Carrying a Ring," or "Cute Elf Boy," or "Sexy Ranger." It's "Lord of the Rings." If it was about one of the above, I'm sure they would have renamed it to "The Ringbearer," or some other flowery title.

I am *sick* and *tired* of you little fangirls (and few of the fanboys) going on about how cute Frodo was. Or how hot Legolas was. Or how sexy Aragorn was. Are they the real stars of the movie? No. I am. Without *me*, there would be no movie!!

Without a doubt, *I* am the most important character in the movie. Middle Earth depends on me to oppress it and wreak havoc and evil. Do you have any idea how hard it is to corrupt, taint, destroy, and ruin *everything* you touch? It's not easy, let me tell you. It's hard work
being an overlord of evil! I have all these evil plans to concoct, and there's a lot of appearances to be made. I hardly get any sleep, what with having to keep an eye out for everything those idiots do to try and thwart me.

But do I have any fangirls? Do I have ridiculous girls who collect images of me, and devote entire shrines to how sexy I am? Do I get any appreciation? No. I am unloved, uncared for, and in the end, I have to die, just to make the heroes look good. Would you even appreciate Frodo completely if it weren't for *my* ring? Would you like Legolas so much if I didn't provide his targets for him to show off with his bow? Would you think Aragorn was so sexy if he never had to draw his sword and fight off my minions? Would you have liked the movie as much if I didn't arrange for the dramatic deaths of at least two characters? If it weren't for me, there'd be no movie.

Now I know I don't have a pretty face and long, blond hair. Or big blue eyes and a sensitive face. Or smoldering green eyes and classic good looks. But a little appreciation would be nice. What about my lidless eye, wreathed in flames, eh? Now that's cool. Does Frodo have a
lidless wreathed in flames? I think not. Hell, he can barely keep his eyes symmetrical without photo manipulation. And what about my cool metal suit of armor? Does Legolas have a suit of intimidating armor? No, he doesn't.

All he has is some frippy Elf clothing, and stupid braids. And he walks like a girl. And what about my piece d' resistance? The One Ring? Does Aragorn have the One Ring at any point of the movie? No, he's scared of it, he sends off the little hobbit like a coward. And he spends more time touching Legolas and Boromir in that movie than Arwen. (Wonder what *that's* all about, eh? )

Obviously, I have some interesting qualities I feel are overlooked. All you fangirls (and fanboys) need to stop drooling after Frodo, Legolas, and Aragorn. Stop it with the obsession!! You're losing focus for the movie!! Do you think Tolkien created those characters so you could chase after them in your sexual fantasies? I think not. The old bastard was way too interested in cross-dressing women to create male fantasies for you. *I* am the star of the show. And I want to be loved for what I am, and what I do!!

I mean, look at yourselves. Just *look* at what you've turned into. Instead of appreciating the film, the books or even the important message behind the story (don't steal other people's jewelry) you chase after the male characters in the story. I've seen shrines to Boromir. Boromir!! He bloody well died, you know!! The loser practically tried to rip Frodo limb-from-limb to get the ring, and yet, you appreciate *him*, just because he tried to save those idiots, Merry and Pippin. The fools got everyone in trouble more times than *I* did in the film, and you still like *them*. I barely had to do *any* evil in the first movie. Pippin was doing a rather nice job of it all by himself.

Take the scribe of my message, J. Marie, for instance. The fool girl has a shrine to naked Viggo Mortenson pictures on her hard drive. Now that's sad. She has filled up folders of precious memory with pictures of Orlando Bloom. She's wasted countless hours agonizing over writing
fanfiction (about Aragorn and Legolas, no less). She's seen the movie *six* times, with no end in sight as of this writing, simply so she can drool over Aragorn and Legolas. It's pathetic, I tell you.

Where are my shrines? Why does she go to the bathroom during the parts of the movie before Aragorn shows up? Why does she concern herself with the pizza grease on her hands during *my* scenes, yet didnn't even notice her brother spilling Pepsi all over her pants when Aragorn was fighting the Nazgul? It's unfair.

She'll quote you *Gollum* before she can mention anything that I have done to make this film great. She just shrugs and tells all her friends she hopes Aragorn gets a nude scene in the next movie!! How degrading!!

And where were *my* Oscar nominations?? Nobody would care about Gandalf if it weren't for *me*!! He'd be nothing with *me* to define him!! It's an injustice!!

And don't even get me started on the fanfiction. Where's my sex scenes? (I'm a lover, not a fighter, you know). My thoughts and angst?? Where's my slash moments (I personally think that Gandalf and I need to get the hook-up), or the times when I kidnap Arwen from Aragorn? Where's the Mary Sues that try to get *me* to marry them? I'll have you know I have some very nice love poetry stored up for just that occasion. It's always about Aragorn, Legolas, or Frodo!!

I'm asking for some focus here. For people to recognize that the Lord of the Rings is about ME. The Lord of the Rings. Not the ranger who needs to shave. Not the Elf who looks like a girl at a distance. And certainly not some computer-midget-ized hobbit with eyes too big for his face. I'll get him. And his little dog, too.

I *demand* equal rights. I want web shrines, folders full of images of me on your hard drive, people paying eight bucks a pop just to see *me* on screen repeatedly, fanfiction, love scenes, Mary Sue fics, grand kidnapping the damsel scenes, horrific storylines, and angst-filled stories!! I *am* the Lord of the Rings!! It's all about ME!! ME!! MEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!

Yesterday, I was discharged from the hospital. I spent the last four days in the hospital courtesy of my ulcer. The pain had become so unbearable that I was rushed to a nearby ER. Since I was at work at the time of the pain attack, they had to use an ambulance from the nearby Mimosa Estates. It was kewl riding an ambulance as big as the one I rode in.

Anyway, when I got there (hospital ER) it took two IV doses of different painkillers (Demerol, then eventually Nubain) to alleviate the pain. I had myself admitted, since the doctor on duty said that the gastro-enterologist who would see me would eventually recommend it. I would have to endure another endoscopy, she said. I’ve had this procedure performed on me six years ago. It was anything but pleasant. Try having a probe stuck into your mouth and down to your stomach. It makes your brain conjure up X-Files episodes in your head like viewmaster slides spinning terribly out of control. :::shiver, shiver::: It didn't help that the nurse on duty told me that I was not to be given any food or drink because of the procedure the next day. I was squirming in pain and in tears while she said so. I wouldn't have touched any food, even if I could crawl my way to the bedside table. The nurse shouldn't have said the obvious. It made me feel more tortured to hear her insensitive statement of the facts.

The endoscopy was performed the next day. I spent another three days being observed. I got a room with cable, a ref and a phone. Comfortable accommodations that would have set me back about 11,000 pesos. It’s a good thing I had Medicare and medical insurance. Otherwise, I’d be knee-deep in debt again. I now realize why some people say that they wish they'd never have to use their medical insurance. I kinda feel the same way now. I'm happy just being able to pay for the damn thing.

I recently took another one of those darn surveys from AC Nielsen in the hopes of winning the T68i they raffle off to participants. I have been wanting to buy a new phone for a miserable 9 months now, but have postponed doing so for various reasons. I spent the money on more immediate concerns-- my wife's C-Section, our baby's christening, our baby's college plan, our baby's new dresser, Christmas gifts for my godchildren. It's kind of ironic that you work so hard and yet what you earn never seems enough. A raise comes and then you discover other things you need to spend money on. And then you're back to square one.

In a moment of sheer exasperation, I applied for a salary loan from Social Security. That would be enough to buy a glamorous new phone... But then again, our china cabinet needs a replacement. It's old, it's worn, it already wants to cave in. A bit like every suburban father trying to squeeze the most bang for every buck he's got. LOL :-)

I haven't been watching the news. Well, at least that's my latest excuse when friends ask for my opinion on the headlines. They've always turned to me for opinion. I've always had a different view on everything. I tend to think of myself as part voice-in-the-wilderness, part conspiracy theorist. And that actually shows when I speak my mind (to the joy of my friends and officemates!). So here's my take on the latest headline grabbers...

1. Its been a year since prisoners were taken in the war in Afghanistan. They're in a legal limbo. They're not prisoners of war. They're not criminals. Then what are they? The US refuses to release them of charge them in court. The international community refuses to step-in. The USA is doing what it does best. It's oppresing innocent people in a schizoid fit of paranoia that can only be made worse by their high-nosed arrogance. UGH!!! Hundreds still suffer in Guatanamo Bay.
   
   
2. A bit of good news. Illinois Governor George Ryan commuted the sentence of 156 death row inmates. There is still hope for the American people. It's about time they realized their justice system is fallible. It's totally unfair to exact a punishment as harsh as death. The death penalty only serves to feed vicious cycle of violence.
   
   
3. While everyone else struggles to become more humane, a southern Philippine city is being "cleaned up". No doubt that Davao is now one of the most "peaceful" cities in the country. But at what cost? Disguised as swift justice, people are turning a blind eye to the murder of children. Damn. Some people are so self-righteous, they think they've been given a mandate by God himself.
   
   
4. In a man's world, if a woman doesn't want sex she's "frigid". If she's vocal about wanting it, she's called a "slut". If she does get it, shrinks think it isn't enough that she enjoys it. She has to have an orgasm. Pretty stupid argument, eh? Well, shrinks have "indentified" (invented is more like it) every sort of disorder you can probably think of. God knows how much money they rake in diagnosing female sexual disorders. And now the pharmaceutical giants have jumped into the fray. It's a gazillion-dollar industry, after all. There's money to be made curing the celibate and the picky. Read along.
   


More on me next time :-)

Yesterday morning, I found myself napping beside my baby. It was still early, and I took the time to nap while my baby dozed off dreaming of a million things unknown to me. He giggled while he dreamt the minutes away.

I had my own dream. I found myself in front of a house that felt very familiar, but looked different from anything I've seen. I went in through the front door, calling out, "Tao po?" It was then that I felt the presence of another person. It was Lany, my friend for 15 years. I was surprised to see she had cut her hair so short. She had always worn her hair long. I hugged her, the way anyone would a long lost friend. "They found a tumor in me," she said flatly. I felt a sudden longing, a deep sense of love and sadness. I missed her, and now this bad news.

Lany was special to me. I loved her. But not in a romantic way. I loved her like a sister? Not really. It was different. She was a friend I loved, more like kin, but a little different. She taught me that it was possible to love and not fall-in-love. Platonic, maybe? I doubt. That word is as vague as you can get. A little more like the way Christ wanted us all to love one another. But I must admit that mine is much less greater than that.

I woke to find my baby's flailing arms patting softly on my chest. I smiled and whispered a little prayer. I hope Lany and her baby are alright. She's giving birth to her second child in about a month or so. I pray my dream was nothing more than my subconscious telling me I miss her. I looked at my son and smiled. He was giggling at me. I knew everything would be alright. God is good to us all. All the time. He will be there for Lany and her daughter.

I haven't had the words to write the last few days of the past week. Below is something i wrote months ago. It mirrors what I've been feeling this week. Read on...

Sumpa para sa isang manunulat ang hindi maisalin sa salita ang nadarama. Anong bigat nga naman ng magkaroon ng libong ideyang hindi mo mawari kung paano sasabihin. Sa sinumang natutong maghabi nito, ang salita ay hibla na ginto. Tila maliit ang halaga hangat hindi pa nahahabi. Kayamanan itong naghihintay na madiskubre at mahabi.

Kanya naman sa sinumang manunulat, ang ilang sandaling pagtigil ng marahang pagtipa ng mga daliri sa makinilya ay parang nagbabadyang kamatayan. Wala nga namang nakakaalam ng halaga ng buhay mo kundi ikaw, at ikaw lamang ang bukod-tanging naghihinayang sa kakulangan at kalabisan na nangyari dito. Sa sandali ng huling hininga ng iyong pagsusulat, ikaw lamang ang malulungkot sa paghihikahos nito. . . Ikaw, ang iyong mga daliri, at ang makinilya.

Maaring walang halaga sa iyo ang mga salita, pero sa aki’y. . . Marahil, kung nabasa mo na ang tela sa itaas eh alam mo na ang susunod.