Have you ever wondered how it feels to be addicted?

Let me give you a hint of how it is. When I think of addictions, only one image comes to mind. It was a scene from the Rosanna Roces movie "Curacha - Ang Babaeng Walang Pahinga." In this particular scene, Curacha, the protagonist, enters a dimly lit hospital. There's a coup' de état going on in Manila and a blackout had just started. The hospital is filled with frantic medical personnel running to and fro the darkness. In the midst of the tense atmosphere, Curacha is calm, walking with a single purpose in mind -- to find her dealer. She finds him, a janitor of the hospital. Not the typical dealer, eh?

She dispenses with the formalities and asks the man for her pills. He's uneasy and tries to slink his way out of the conversation. He whispers that he no longer steals pills from the hospital. Curacha begs him for her weekly supply. He counters he only stole pills from the hospital supplies because he pitied her. Being a poor prostitute, she wouldn't be able to afford the prices of street dealers. The janitor tensely walks away, still apologetic, still mumbling he wasn't a drug dealer and that he was an honest man just trying to make ends meet.

Curacha suddenly feels how tired she is. She sits on an empty gurney. It has been a long night. She had been walking all night to get to the hospital. There were soldiers everywhere, yet she bravely walked through every checkpoint the government soldiers and the rebels had. She had done so, because she needed her pills. Her hope for relief had been shattered. She won't be getting any new pills. Her supply of uppers, downers and what-have-you’s were running low.

Right there and then, a voice-over runs her thoughts through to the audience. Curacha tells us about her addictions in the simplest of terms. She describes them according to her cravings. “Kapag masaya, gamot. Kapag malungkot, gamot. Kapag pagod, gamot. Kapag mag-isa ako, gamot. Kapag galit ako sa mundo gamot.” (When I’m ecstatic, I take a pill. When I'm down, I take a pill. When I’m tired, I take a pill. When I’m lonely, I take a pill. When I’m angry at the whole world, I take a pill.)

She then sees Jaqueline Jose's character, a former prostitue, and a drug addict like herself. She was Curacha's mentor in the trade. She has grown older than her years. As she approached the bed where she lay, Curacha realizes how the drugs have taken their toll on her. She did not recognize her. The only thing left that lit her up was her kind heart. She still spoke softly to Curacha, now a stranger in her eyes.

Fast forward -- the movie finishes with Curacha ending up in Luneta. She had taken the last of her horde. As the sun starts to shine, she slowly falls asleep on a bench. Her last thoughts were of where to get her pills tomorrow. She is found dead a few hours later on the same bench. Her face wears a tired, albeit peaceful expression. Her tired, tortured soul has finally found peace.

I too have my own addictions. I have struggled to rid myself of them. There is but one left. I still smoke. I found it easy to let go of my other addictions. It hasn’t been easy to quit smoking. Maybe because it is the last one? Maybe because it was, incidentally, the first one? What I do know is that it has its purpose in my life. Much like Curacha’s addiction, mine serves as an emotional crutch. I succumb to it because I find my peace in doing so, even if just for a fleeting moment.

I am aware that I am slowly killing myself. I fear death as much as the next man. Ten years of smoking is taking its toll on my young body (that is, if I am to still to be considered young). I feel it ravaging me slowly towards my grave. But like all addicts, I am helpless. I am lost. I do not know where to begin, yet again. And perhaps, I will feel as lost and as helpless until I meet my end. . .

Nagsimula ang lahat ng tingnan ako ng mata-sa-mata ng isang Isabel Granada. Naghihintay ako nuon sa pila sa City Hall. Mahaba ang pila, mainit, malapit na akong magkaputok sa pawis ko. Para kaming sinisilaban sa pila dahil nakatutok sa amin ang palubog ng araw. Nakaka-wrinkles pala ang mabilad sa setting sun pagkatapos mong magtrabaho ng walong napakahabang oras. Malapit nang magsara ang Civil Registrar, hindi ko pa nakukuha ang "Certified Xerox Copy" na ni-request ko mga isa't kalahating oras na ang nakararaan. Imbyerna na talaga ako.

Kanya ng makita ko si Isabel Granada, hindi ako makapaniwalang s`ya `yun. Nag-rationalize ang isip ko na hindi s`ya `yun. Baka mirage? Yung nai-imagine mo kapag nasa disyerto ka. Parang kapag nag-imagine ka ng isang malamig na baso ng tubig sa gitna ng tuyo na disyerto, o kaya'y mainit na fishball na hitik sa maanghang na sauce sa gitna ng kasosyalan ng café ng Manila Hotel.

Kanya inisip ko na isa lang `yung sexy starlet na kahawig nya. May future sa showbiz ang hitad kung iintrigahin ng maldita ang big star na kahawig nya. Tipong "don't compare us, mas talented ako sa kanya...", at kung ano-ano pang chuva.

Pero, kahawig talaga. Mata n`ya `yun, eh. Sa loob ng dalawang segundo na napatitig s`ya sa mga mata ko, parang bumagal ang mundo. Binigyan ko s`ya ng isa sa mga malalagkit kong titig na nagsasabing angkinin na n`ya ako. Pero sa huling sandali, nag-hesitate ako. Naisip ko, malamang hindi s'ya `yun. Baka isipin ng hitad, interesado ako sa kanya. Gumawi palayo ang titig ko. Hindi s`ya ganon ka-porma, kanya malamang hindi s'ya. Bigla kong naramdaman ang siko ni Remedios sa tadyang ko. Tinatanong kung gutom na talaga ako. Baka daw gusto ko munang kumain. Bigla kong naalala, kanina ko pa pala sinasabing gutom ako. Bumaba ulit ako sa lupa. Nangangasim na nga ang sikmura ko.

Naudlot ang drama ko nang magkagulo na sa opisinang pinuntahan namin at dumami bigla ang mga usyusero. Duon ko na-realize na siya nga 'yun. Si Isabel Granada, bulungan ang mga dumaraan sa harapan ng pila. Kumukuha pala ng Marriage License ang hitad. Dumiretso ba naman sa mismong Civil Registrar. Kanya ayun, lalu nang bumagal ang pag-process nila sa Birth Certificate na nire-request ko. Lahat na yata ng tao dun sa loob sumilip sa opisina ng boss nila para lang makawayan ni Isabel. Napabulong tuloy ako ng mura, "Taena, wala nang mangyayari dito. Shet!"

Sumisidhi na sana ang galit ko nang biglang tawagin ang pangalan ko. Sa wakas, pagkatapos ng dalawang oras. Muntik ko nang hablutin yung xerox copy ng birth certificate dun sa kamay nung mama. "Bayaran mo sa Window 1," sabi nung mama. "Anaknang... ," hindi ko napigilang mag-react. Ako na nga ang pinaghintay, ako pa ang tatarayan ng panget na `to.

Nung nagbabayad na ako, duon s`ya lumabas ulit. Si Isabel, paalis na s`ya. Kumaway s`ya sa direksyon ko. Muntik na akong kumaway pasagot. Pinigil ko ang kamay ko nang mapansin kong kumakaway ang mga kumag na katabi ko. Mukhang ngayon lang sila nakakita ng artista. Kawawa naman sila.

Maganda nga s`ya, kahit panget ang suot n`yang tank top na dark teal at pantalong off-white. Taena, nahawa na ako sa misis ko. Dati kapag color ang pinag-uusapan, light at dark lang ang gamit kong pang-describe ng color. May pa-teal-teal pa ako ngayon.

"Mister, sukli mo," sabat nung matandang dalaga na cashier ng Window 1. Balik ulit ako sa lupa. Paglingon ko, wala na si Isabel. Kinuha ko ang sukli. Kulang na ang pera ko para pamasahe sa jeep. "Tara," sabi ko sa misis ko. "Libre mo ako ng steak, ha? Chaka share tayo dun sa garden salad, neh?" Ngumiti si misis, sabay akbay sa akin.

Taena. Panget pala si Isabel Granada.

May tatamis pa ba? Sa isang sandaling yakap-yakap ka? May hihigit pa kaya? Sa ligayang madarama kung maibabalot ko sa iyo ang aking mga bisig na puno ng pagmamahal. Marahil ang makita ang maamo mong mukha habang nakadantay ang ulo mo sa aking dibdib? Walang anumang salitang mamamagitan, kundi ang wika ng pag-ibig. Siguro, maliban doon, wala na nga.